Pop Quiz: WWTFD (What Would The Fasts Do)?

THE SITUATION:

Your dog wakes you up at 3:45 in the morning by ripping a GIANT fart and whining in the corner of your newly-white-carpeted-bedroom. Upon inspection, you find that there is a liquid shit trail that completely circles your bed (and is amazingly also on some parts of the wall). 

THE SOLUTION:

Do you:

 A) Calmly get out of bed, let your dog out, and clean up the mess without complaint.

B) Jump out of bed with purpose, carefully avoiding the mess, smirk a little because the situation is unbelievable, let the dog outside and quickly clean up the mess while trying not to breathe.

C) Nearly barf while still lying in bed because of the hot-shit smell already permeating the room. Laugh as your husband storms down the stairs to put the dog outside. Cry when you see the diarrhea-trail on your new white carpet. Almost step in it while trying to assess whether or not the dog managed to miss your pile of clothes that you threw in the corner last night. Sigh with relief when you realize your clothes are safe. Cry again when you realize your carpet is not. Almost step in it again. Go downstairs to see your husband sleepily staring into the cupboard under the sink; take note that the ONLY “cleaning supplies” he has taken out and placed on the counter are Febreze Air Effects (in cranberry, mmmm) and Downy Wrinkle Reducer. Push him aside and pull out OxyClean Pet Cleaner and hand him a roll of paper towels. Sigh (A LOT). Get online and type “how do I clean up dog diarrhea” into google. Sigh some more. Listen to your husband complain at you from upstairs that you’re not doing anything. Go into the garage and fill a bucket with hot water, oxyclean powder and bleach. Listen to your husband tell you that you can’t put bleach on the (white) carpet. Go upstairs to see your poor, sleepy hubby dutifully working at the impossible task of “picking up” the mess with paper towels. Feel bad for him and greatful for his help… until he complains about the spray bottle sucking and tells you matter-of-factly that the carpet will need to be replaced. Shrug, sigh, and put on your rubber gloves. Open the pet cleaner spray bottle and dump it all into the bucket. Start wringing washcloths over the brown trail and wait 5 minutes for your magic cleaning mixture to work. Listen to your husband say it won’t. Blame eachother (“Didn’t you change her food?” / “Didn’t you feed her a bowl of bacon grease?”). Start scrubbing the floor, one shit-drip at a time. Start seeing results. Listen to your husband say it’s working. Finish one hour later. Admire your (wet) white carpet. Put the dog bed in the hallway and block the door so it’s only open a sliver (she’s got to be able to see you!). Let the dog in after having your husband wipe her ass with a washcloth. Wonder if this happened because you changed her food or if it was really the bacon grease. Decide (silently) it was bacon grease.

Betcha can’t guess which solution we went with. Next time I’m trying the wrinkle-reducer, just to see. :)