Rules To Fly By

For passengers on any airplane I am flying on:


  1. Don’t talk on your cell phone at the top of your lungs at 7:30am while others (namely, me) are boarding/deboarding. It makes me have fantasies about your window breaking and you getting sucked out into nothingness.
  2. Don’t chew your gum/apple/candy/cud/whatever loudly when you’re near me. Or at all.
  3. Wash your fucking hair in the morning. Before you get on the plane and sit anywhere near me. Because dirty hair smell is grounds for me giving dirty face looks in your direction ALL FLIGHT.
  4. Speaking of smells, you’d better wash/put on deoderant/put on cologne and just smell acceptable in general if you plan on sitting anywhere near me and my supernose. Because I. Have. No. Problem. Calling over the gay flight attendant in my loud voice and requesting a new seat because “I might barf the stench is too disgusting for me to sit here next to him/her kthanks.” Don’t test me.
  5. Don’t talk to me. Just don’t. ESPECIALLY if you have a penis and you’re going to say ANYTHING about my boots.
  6. Don’t fall asleep and snore. I also have no problem throwing pillows.
  7. Seriously? Don’t complain about turbulence. Don’t complain about the flight being delayed/turbulent/whatEVER. Everyone feels the same, and we’re not irately crying about it out loud. Stop making yourself looking like an asshole.
  8. OMG if your fat stupid kid kicks my seat one more time I swear I’ll turn this plane right around…
  9. Your cat? Really? Does she need to be under the seat in front of you? Because it doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying herself… and in turn, I’m not enjoying herself…
  10. Don’t ask me about the book I’m reading. Yes, it’s vampire porn. Obviously I love it. Yes I know it’s for ‘young adults’ and I don’t care. I am technically a young adult, as I have not been an adult for a long time. Also, see #5.
  11. Back to smells… don’t wear sandals and then put your feet up on my arm rests when you sit behind me. I can smell your feet and again, have no problems SLAMMING my elbow on your fat stinky pinky toe. And then not apologizing. I prefer the term “oops!” with a sly smile.
  12. Don’t be too fat to sit in the seat next to me without spilling over into my space. Please… I paid good money for my seat too, and I’d like all of it, not half.
  13. DON”T BE FUCKING SICK. AAAAAAARRRRGH I’ll hate you forever if you’re hacking all over yourself and then sniffling and coughing and sneezing and not using antibacterial hand sanitizer every 3 seconds. I hate you. I pre-hate you if you’re thinking about flying sick.
  14. On second thought… no one get on the plane with me. Ever. Just cancel when you see me at your boarding gate.

Note: All of this has happened. To me. Which is why I feel that rules are in order.

One thought on “Rules To Fly By”

  1. Don’t EVER EVER go on a trip to a rural town! :) Just a fair warning. hehe.

    So, on my last trip home from Anchorage, I sat next to a dude who was visibly sweating and shaking. Like he was off crack for three days or something crazy. Well….IMMEDIATELY when we started to takeoff, he started THROWING UP all over the seat next to me. I am gagging RIGHT NOW AS I REMEMBER THIS FROM A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

    I almost died. I then asked if he was OK. “OH, I went to GASLIGHT LAST NIGHT AND I AM REALLY HUNGOVER!”

    Then I said, “HOLYSHIT are you SERIOUS? You’re self-induced sick!? FLIGHT ATTENDANT!!! I want to MOVE, NOW.”

    I got a middle seat and four little bottles of free wine the ENTIRE TRIP home. Which was fine with me.

    I’m not a great fly-er in the FIRST place. Shit. I just wanted my Moose’s Tooth Pizza and Raspberry Wheat to get home OK. :)

Comments are closed.