But I don’t want to have a cave baby!

This morning I had my 28-week OB appointment (Holy Shit, when did I get so pregnant??), and after I drank the flat-orange-Fanta-tasting glucola and had my blood drawn, my doctor asked me a whole bunch of questions about preregistering at the hospital, pediatrician choices, childbirth classes, maternity ward tours and other things that made my head spin. Naturally, I brought these topics home to my husband.

Apparently, I’ve finally found the one subject on which Adam actually has real thoughts:

Me: So, how do you feel about taking childbirth classes?

Adam: Whatever you want, baby.

Me: Do you want to do a free tour of the maternity ward?

Adam: Whatever you want, baby.

Me: Well how do you feel about picking out cribs?

Adam: Whatever you want, baby.

Me: What about drugs?

Adam: You know… I think that ultimately women were engineered to birth children so I really don’t know if we you NEED drugs and I think that drugs are really just for the mother’s benefit and that they do kind of drug up the baby and I would probably prefer to not get drugs if it were my choice but you handle pain differently than me and so you’ll probably need the drugs and I guess I’m okay with that because I’m kind of 50/50 on the whole thing but I don’t want to drug the baby and also I would prefer you not to have a giant needle shoved in your back since you have back problems anyway but if you have the drugs then I can probably relax and play Angry Birds on my iphone the whole time so really whatever I guess but I think you’ll think you’ll need the drugs.

Me: So… I’m a wimp?

Adam: You run to the medicine cabinet at the slightest twinge of a headache. You’ll need the drugs. But you won’t NEED them.

Me: So I’m a wimp.

Adam: I’m just saying that women have been giving birth since the beginning of time just fine, in the woods and in caves and without drugs. And here we are.

Me: But I don’t WANT to have my baby in the woods. I don’t actually even WANT to HAVE my baby… I just want it to appear in my arms.

Adam: You just keep on praying for the magic stork, Jen.

Me: So I’m a wimp?

(I should note that this conversation was actually a lot longer than this, and Adam had some great points and really was rational about everything. Being 7 months pregnant and terrified of pushing a human out of my body, however, all I heard was “you’re wimpy”. Poor Adam. BUT, he did say he thinks he might opt for no drugs even if it was considered “natural” for men to push eggs out of their pee holes… and I’m really not sure I believe him.)

Baby (Buying) Steps…

That post title was weird… I’m not taking steps to buy a baby. :) For some reason, I have developed a serious anxiety about buying baby items. ANY baby items. I haven’t been able to convince myself to buy a SINGLE thing for the baby since I bought Adam a camo diaper bag back in February.

I get crazy anxious and start sweating every time I walk through the baby aisles at stores, and I feel like I just can’t start or I won’t be able to stop the crazy tidal wave of baby-buying that is sure to ensue. And there’s just SO MUCH STUFF out there… do I need it? Do I want it? Does the baby need it? What’s good? What’s crap? Should I buy this used? Should I wait? Why would I need that? Why wouldn’t I need that? What color should I get? What does that do? It costs HOW much? What IS that?

Aaaaargh, my head is kind of spinning and I’m not even shopping right now. This is how weird I am: I’m planning my best friend’s bachelorette party right now, and yesterday I went out and spent like, $115 on supplies without flinching. Essentially, I have no problem dropping hundreds of dollars on fake pink penis decorations, but get me within 20 feet of a $5 pacifier and I break out in hives. ‘THE FUCK?

Anyway, I FINALLY bought ONE SINGLE ITEM for my baby. And I’m veryhappy about it. It’s VINTAGE, because it’s discontinued and hasn’t been made in I don’t know how long, so I had to find it on ebay. I paid a whopping $26 for it and it is so PERFECT I totally cried when I got it in the mail today:

This… is the perfect teddy bear. I say this because I have the exact same one. The EXACT. SAME. BEAR – and I’ve had it since the day I was born, almost 29 years ago. His name is Snowy, and I’ve slept with him nearly every single night… he’s been on every vacation I’ve ever been on, he’s been accidentally left in a drawer at the DisneyWorld Hotel in the 80’s (the staff shipped him back to me!), he goes on all of my overnight business trips with me and is now currently serving as a great back rest/prop during my pregnancy while I sleep. He was even there on my wedding night (and my silly girlfriend Jen put his paws over his eyes when she decorated our bridal suite, it was hilariously cute)!

So… Snowy used to look exactly like the new bear. Now… he’s… a little “broken in”:

Hopefully my baby will love his or her new bear as much as I’ve loved mine. This was the one item I knew I would have absolutely no anxiety buying. :)