A celebration is in order?

I would be so bored without my husband.

Adam is sitting next to me on the couch right in his green beer mug boxer shorts now cheering (“Yesssssssss!” -I’m not kidding) and pumping his fists in the air. Is it because we’re watching a sport of some sort, you ask? Is it because the Mariners are winning?

No.

It’s because he just won a Nintendo Gamecube with 10 games and 4 controllers on Ebay for $28. And proceeded to give me a play-by-play of how he “sniped” it from the other bidder and had to refresh the screen every 2 seconds until he won the bidding war.

Yes dear, you won. You’re #1. Let’s celebrate, I’ll get the champagne.

“Y’know how I know you’re gay?…”

Adam, having trouble sleeping. It’s 3am:

Me: Your insomnia is giving me insomnia.

Adam: I can’t get comfortable!!

Me: Obviously. What can I do to help?

Adam: Nothing. It’s too hot in here. I’m going to sleep on the floor.

Me: WHAT? Don’t be a dork. C’mon, open the window. Do you want to switch sides?

Adam: NO!

Me: Huh?

Adam: Men don’t sleep on the inside!

Me: Huh?

Adam: That’s GAY!

*giggle* WTF? Also, Adam slept on the floor. HA!

(originally posted on jennyfast.com, back when our bed was pushed against one wall of our old apartment… Since we’ve moved into our house, we’ve strategically positioned our bed in the middle of the bedroom- you know, so all sides are manly.)

Return of the Carpet Destroyer

Seriously. The last time it was mildy funny… after a few days. This time, I’m just, it’s just, I’m… ARGH!

We got new carpet put in downstairs in October, so OF COURSE the dog needed to christen it.

With explosive liquid shit.

In the middle of the night.

Again.

(See the reference here)

We should’ve seen it coming, since we’d been cleaning up dog barf all day yesterday… but really, who can predict that their dog will run around in circles on the brand new carpet while spraying oily goo out of its ass?

Anyway… at least this time I had a “recipe” on hand for a cleanup solution. And it didn’t include Cranberry Febreze or Downy Wrinkle Releaser (mainly because Adam didn’t make it). So, armed with a bucket -o- oxyclean, bleach, woolite and scalding water, the zombie versions of Adam and I crawled around the living room for over an hour this “morning” scrubbing up dog shit. We concluded, after inspecting the puddles, that Tali ate too much wood while playing outside. That’s all we can come up with – there was no bacon grease involved this time.

And, just for you… a tidbit of the conversation during The Great Carpet Cleanup of 2011:

Adam: *hack cough cough hack*

Me: Ew.

Adam: (opens trash sack with soiled paper towels that we’ve been carrying along the trail of cleanup and hawks a lugi  into it)

Me: Oh SICK! *gag* Did you have to do that? GROSS! *gag gag, slight dryheave*

Adam: I’m sorry, am I the disgusting part of this whole situation??

Me: What? People spitting grosses me out.

Adam: Let me remind you what we are currently doing.

Me: Well you don’t have to make it worse by spitting.

Adam: NOTHING could make this worse. NOTHING.

And then we laaaaaaaaaaaughed.

 Right.

My, How Things Have Changed… for ME.

Fast Household Morning Routines BEFORE Baby:

Adam:

  1. shut off ridiculously loud and annoying alarm 3 or 4 times before opening eyes
  2. play Words With Friends on iphone for 15 minutes
  3. start car from bathroom with handy remote start
  4. shower, shave and get dressed within 15 minutes
  5. head out the door to work, approximately 20-30 minutes after final alarm went off

Jenny:

  1. listen to Adam’s ridiculously loud and annoying alarm 3 or 4 times
  2. shut off own gentle, soothing alarm 3 or 4 times before opening eyes
  3. go downstairs to let out and feed the dog
  4. put on robe, jacket and boots; walk outside to start car
  5. shower, moisturize, blow dry/style hair, put on makeup in 45 min
  6. eat cereal or other breakfast quickly
  7. get work things together
  8. get dressed, spritz perfume, and head out the door to work (within about 1hr of final alarm)

Fast Household Morning Routines AFTER Baby:

Adam:

  1. shut off ridiculously loud and annoying alarm 3 or 4 times before opening eyes
  2. play Words With Friends on iphone for 15 minutes
  3. start car from bathroom with handy remote start
  4. shower, shave and get dressed within 15 minutes
  5. head out the door to work, approximately 20-30 minutes after final alarm went off

Jenny:

  1. wake up at 3am to change baby. bring baby to bed with me. fall asleep with a boob in her mouth
  2. wake up at 3:30am to put boob back in baby’s mouth
  3. wake up at 4am because baby sneezed
  4. wake up at 5am to put other boob in baby’s mouth
  5. wake up at 5:15am to put boob back in baby’s mouth
  6. hit snooze when alarm goes off at 6am… finally get out of bed between 6:45-7am.
  7. change baby. soothe baby. make bottle for baby.
  8. stick bottle in baby’s mouth and jump in shower. race through washing face and hair.
  9. run downstairs to let out and feed dog
  10. thrown on boots to go start the car
  11. burp baby
  12. hastily blowdry hair… sometimes curl or straighten. most of the time – ponytail
  13. soothe baby
  14. apply makeup
  15. change baby
  16. dress baby
  17. soothe baby
  18. dress, undress, dress, undress… continue until semi-non-fat outfit is found
  19. make coffee and sometimes eggs
  20. soothe baby, try to find missing pacifier
  21. already late; burn tongue trying to gulp coffee
  22. put baby in carseat
  23. soothe baby
  24. pack diaper bag, work bags, purse, gym bag and baby into car
  25. turn on car toys so baby has something to look at on the car ride
  26. soothe baby
  27. walk around car, fall on slick driveway while getting into drivers seat
  28. drop off baby at aunt’s house
  29. soothe mommy after leaving baby
  30. finally head to work, approximately 2-3 hours after alarm goes off

What a manly coat rack…

I bug Adam daily about hanging his coat in the coat closet when he gets home, since we have a coat closet right next to the front door. Instead, he chooses one of these obviously more logical places EVERY TIME HE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR:

  • the stairs
  • the kitchen counter
  • the dining room table
  • the couch
  • the recliner
  • the back of a dining room chair

And now… I’ve made the mistake of putting up this contraption, which clearly looks like a coat rack:

We DO have a coat closet. Just saying…