Sorry I’ve been unavailable, I’m folding socks…

I wrote a while back about how I don’t do Adam’s laundry… stop judging me, he’s a dude and his laundry is gross. And he generates like, seven times as much dirty clothing as I do so if I did his laundry I’d be doing laundry all day every damn day.

Anyway, I was feeling nice recently (no idea why) and while he was gone for the weekend I decided I’d surprise him by getting his MOUNTAIN of smelly clothes all clean and put away (you know now that I think about it, I might not actually have been feeling nice, but actually super-annoyed that I couldn’t walk through our bedroom…).

You guys, I’d just like to give you an idea of  how long it’s been since Adam actually operated the washing machine. Here is a breakdown of all of the separate categories of clothing – each which constituted a FULL load of laundry – I had to lay out before I even started this chore: 

1. boxers

2. white socks

3. hunting socks

4. button-up work shirts

5. fleece pants

6. waffle shirts (long-john material)

7. orange t-shirts

8. dark t-shirts

9. white t-shirts

10. jeans

11. weird materials (workout shirts, nylon, underarmour, etc.)

12. cargo shorts

13. sweatshirts/sweatpants

14. miscellaneous color load

Okay… I know who I married, so I’m not particularly surprised by most of this, but who the heck has an entire load of dirty hunting socks??? Or really, an entire load of orange t-shirts?

 OR FOURTEEN F***ING LOADS OF LAUNDRY IN GENERAL??

Aaaaaaaand now I’ve retreated blissfully back into my “no man-laundry” rule after a weekend spent folding laundry gave me carpal-tunnel. Next time you see my husband, tell him his socks look clean.

Parents Magazine: No-No!

While browsing through the most recent issue of Parents magazine, I came across this little “gem” of advice:

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Now, I may not be in the majority with this thought, but shouldn’t parenting magazines be encouraging families to get outside and be active? According to the CDC website, obesity now affects 17% of all children and adolescents in the United States – which is triple the rate from just one generation ago. About one-third (33.8%) of US adults are obese – here in Alaska the rate of obesity is 24.5% (Alabama came in at the top of the chart with 32.2%; Colorado is the lowest with 21.0%). Listen, folks, the CDC states it plain and simple – obesity is common, serious and costly.

Being that this country has such a problem with inactivity and unhealthy eating habits, is telling people to enjoy the fall season through their windows while watching TV really such a smart tip? My first thought upon seeing this advice was to give Parents magazine a stern “NO-NO”!

Don’t get me wrong, I love new episodes of Modern Family and Glee… But I feel an appropriate amount of “lazy guilt” while I’m watching them. It really startled me to see a popular magazine with such a wide reach actually encouraging me to sit on my butt and stare at the boob tube instead of doing something active outside with my family.

Parents (and non-parents)…Where do you stand here? Do your thoughts echo mine, or do you think it’s refreshing to see a magazine give permission to be a little lazy in our crazy lives?

SuperwifeSarah?

Another email that showed up in my inbox last week:

Obviously, this person took a lot of time reviewing my site to verify content, audience, and you know… my NAME. I felt it was only polite to respond.

Pretty sure that in order to email me, you have to type in “superwifeJENNY (at) gmail (dot) com” – obviously I haven’t made my name visible enough out there.

At least Nate got my name right.

Rules To Fly By

For passengers on any airplane I am flying on:

RULES TO FLY (WITH JENNY) BY

  1. Don’t talk on your cell phone at the top of your lungs at 7:30am while others (namely, me) are boarding/deboarding. It makes me have fantasies about your window breaking and you getting sucked out into nothingness.
  2. Don’t chew your gum/apple/candy/cud/whatever loudly when you’re near me. Or at all.
  3. Wash your fucking hair in the morning. Before you get on the plane and sit anywhere near me. Because dirty hair smell is grounds for me giving dirty face looks in your direction ALL FLIGHT.
  4. Speaking of smells, you’d better wash/put on deoderant/put on cologne and just smell acceptable in general if you plan on sitting anywhere near me and my supernose. Because I. Have. No. Problem. Calling over the gay flight attendant in my loud voice and requesting a new seat because “I might barf the stench is too disgusting for me to sit here next to him/her kthanks.” Don’t test me.
  5. Don’t talk to me. Just don’t. ESPECIALLY if you have a penis and you’re going to say ANYTHING about my boots.
  6. Don’t fall asleep and snore. I also have no problem throwing pillows.
  7. Seriously? Don’t complain about turbulence. Don’t complain about the flight being delayed/turbulent/whatEVER. Everyone feels the same, and we’re not irately crying about it out loud. Stop making yourself looking like an asshole.
  8. OMG if your fat stupid kid kicks my seat one more time I swear I’ll turn this plane right around…
  9. Your cat? Really? Does she need to be under the seat in front of you? Because it doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying herself… and in turn, I’m not enjoying herself…
  10. Don’t ask me about the book I’m reading. Yes, it’s vampire porn. Obviously I love it. Yes I know it’s for ‘young adults’ and I don’t care. I am technically a young adult, as I have not been an adult for a long time. Also, see #5.
  11. Back to smells… don’t wear sandals and then put your feet up on my arm rests when you sit behind me. I can smell your feet and again, have no problems SLAMMING my elbow on your fat stinky pinky toe. And then not apologizing. I prefer the term “oops!” with a sly smile.
  12. Don’t be too fat to sit in the seat next to me without spilling over into my space. Please… I paid good money for my seat too, and I’d like all of it, not half.
  13. DON”T BE FUCKING SICK. AAAAAAARRRRGH I’ll hate you forever if you’re hacking all over yourself and then sniffling and coughing and sneezing and not using antibacterial hand sanitizer every 3 seconds. I hate you. I pre-hate you if you’re thinking about flying sick.
  14. On second thought… no one get on the plane with me. Ever. Just cancel when you see me at your boarding gate.

Note: All of this has happened. To me. Which is why I feel that rules are in order.

Champagne=evil??

At the dentist recently my hygienist commented that I obviously practice “excellent” home care… and then she told me I have 3 cavities. WTF? Apparently my mouth has low ph? Gah. Anyway this was my brief conversation:

Hygienist: “Jenny, do you have any specific drinks you consume a lot, like every day, you know like sweet coffee of something? Because a lot of the time for us adults, it can be the drinks that trip us up and not junk food.”

Me: “Hm… no, I don’t even drink coffee. Maybe iced tea? I drink that kind of a lot I guess. Although I do drink a lot of water too. Huh.”

But then it totally dawned on me about an hour later during lunch with a friend…

Me: “blah blah, my hygienist thinks there’s some sort of drink that’s giving me cavities, but I don’t really drink coffee or energy drinks, so I have no idea what it could be!”

Friend: “Are you KIDDING? What about the massive amounts of candy you eat? WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DRINK PINK CHAMPAGNE EVERY SINGLE NIGHT??”

Me: “But I have EXCELLENT at-home-teeth-care techniques!!! She SAID!”

So apparently, champagne is giving me cavities. WHY, GOD, WHY???