Speaking of Hoarders…

OMG y’all… This hoarding thing has been happening for YEARS and I haven’t been paying attention!! Adam has a disease! This is a blog post I wrote in May of 2009 (over 2 years ago!!) when Adam and I were moving into our new house. I think it might be a pattern… Eeeeeeek!

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For the past few weeks, Adam and I have been participating in the loving act of ripping eachother’s heads off arguing about retarded back massager chairs that no one has used in 2 years packing up our beautiful belongings because we bought a new house!

Amongst spending hours trying to figure out WHEN THE HECK we accumulated all of this crap (who has two quesadilla makers?? who even has one?), I have many times been scolded for “keeping too much crap.” Because, apparently, “women never get rid of anything.”

Hm.

May I present to you… things I have found while packing that I would have immediately chucked into the trash if my husband hadn’t whined and whined and whined for me to keep them:

  • 72 Sharpie markers. All black.
  • An entire drawer full of random knives. Probably like, 45 of them. Some that look like scary “I’ll gut you” hunting knives, which in no way will ever be needed in my kitchen. This is in addition to the two knife blocks we have on the counter.
  • 24 lighters. We’re not smokers… and no one has that many candles. No one.
  • 13 pairs of nail clippers. Only one of which is mine.
  • 67 shot glasses. Not including the 35 from the cabin. Please, someone tell me… when are we EVER going to need 67 shot glasses at the same time? Have we ever had 67 people do a simultaneous shot at our house?

Meanwhile, the pile I’ve created of “crap to get rid of” is slowly taking over the entire downstairs family room.

Interesting, how I get verbally abused for keeping 3 boxes full of shoes that I wear, yet when I try to throw away dry Sharpie markers, rusty knives, half-empty lighters, dull nail clippers and shot glasses from cities we’ve never been to — ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

Hm.

Hoard-tagious

OMG. I just found out about that TV show “Hoarders”… have you guys WATCHED this? *shudder*

Anyway, I turned on one episode when I saw the series on Netflix last week, and Adam just happened to walk in halfway through and HE. IS. HOOKED. I, on the other hand, hate hate hate it. I didn’t even finish that episode I was so disgusted. Unfortunately for me, this is now the show that Adam turns on everysinglenight before he goes to bed. I seriously just sit in the living room and let Adam get pissed at me because I continuously talk over the TV about how “BURN THAT MUTHEREFFING HOUSE DOWN” would be the best solution – for like, every situation. No joke… Mom, Dad, heed my words… if I ever found you living like one of these people, I would lure you out of your house and burn it to the ground. Ugh, I feel like I need to go take a shower just talking about this show.

Fast forward to last night, driving home from a BBQ with Adam…

Adam: I ordered that talking dog collar off of ebay.

Me: Okay (?)

Adam: Oh, and I totally almost bought a blue clarinet.

Me: Uh… ah… a what?

Adam: A clarinet. A blue one.

Me: Okaaaaaaaay. What would you do with that? Ellie’s a little young…

Adam: Uh, I would play it, duh.

Me: You don’t play the clarinet.

Adam: Jenny, it was only $39. I could learn.

Me: Do you really think you need a clarinet? Even a blue one?

Adam: Do you really think you need another purse?

Me: I need it more than you need a clarinet. Even if it is blue.

Is it me, or does anyone think that damn show might be affecting my husband?? I’m so suing A&E.

(Also, a clarinet??? Wth? That’s so not even a cool instrument!!)

(ALSO, I bought him a $500 88-key keyboard for Christmas… which he “played once last week, Jenny.” -Yeah, he totally needs a new instrument to learn.)

Jack Johnson makes me puke

A perfect example of how men remember things so differently than women (or maybe this is just my husband):

Me, listening to Pandora: Awww, a Jack Johnson song. I love him. I love his music!

Adam: Meh. He’s kinda faggy.

Me: Well, Jack Johnson songs always remind me of us, in the beginning. When you used to fly down to Seattle to see me every few weeks, and remember we went to that Jack Johnson concert at the Gorge? That was so much fun! And our first little road trip! Awww.

Adam: Uh, I just remember you peeing in the bushes on the side of the road before the concert, and puking in the bushes in the parking lot after the concert.

Me: Oh. Well… thanks for being so sentimental.

Adam: No prob. Anything else you want to remember?

I *may* have been drinking. At least I didn’t break anything.

Jack Johnson concert @ The Gorge, August 2005

Such an Honorable Title

This weekend I received a wonderful surprise from my little sister that made me bawl my eyes out while smiling the whole time…. a beautifully packaged “message in a bottle”. See, my baby sister is getting married in Hawaii next February – so she mailed me an adorable glass bottle filled with sand and shells and decorated with starfish. It contained a scroll that, when unrolled, revealeded a heartfelt letter of admiration, praise, love and a Maid of Honor proposal.

Are you crying yet? Because you didn’t even read it! But just thinking about the act makes me tear up again. :) I assure you, the message would have you shedding big giant tears (but not crocodile tears, as I originally wrote, because my smart ass little brother corrected me and told me that crocodile tears are fake tears and you definitely wouldn’t be crying fake tears after reading Jessie’s letter).

ANYWAY… I mentioned the letter to my dad while he was visiting last night, and Adam just happened to be sitting right next to us. I hadn’t even shared the letter with him, because, well, he’s Adam. Besides, boys don’t get that kind of stuff (except Dad, because it concerned his daughters, so of course he teared up too). So, when I handed the letter to my dad, Adam asked about it. I just waved my hand and said “oh, Jessie sent me a really sweet letter.” Adam immediately turned to my dad and said “well it must be totally full of lies.” Hardy Har, Husband.

Here’s where the Adam-ism comes in (the one you’ll all be referencing in the future, trust me):

Adam: Why did she send you a sweet letter? And why was it in a bottle?

Me: She asked me to be her Maid of Honor. And the bottle was Hawaii-themed.

Adam: But I thought you couldn’t be a Maid of Honor anymore.

Me: Well, technically yes, I’d be the Matron of Honor since I’m married.

Adam: That sounds freaking awful. Might as well just call yourself “Old Bag of Honor”.

Me: Oh yes, that has such a nice ring to it. We’ll be sure to put that on the programs.

So Jessie… I’m totally looking forward to being your Maid Matron Old Bag of Honor. Is there any way we can find rhinestones to put that on a tshirt or something?

My baby sister, who is one of the most beautiful and fun people I know, and who is my best friend. <3

Absolutely Cabulous

I don’t know why Adam EVER thinks he can get me to help him with these wine tasting events and still have me coherent at the end of the night…

Since I have my TAM card (solely so I can help Adam serve at events like wine tastings for his clients), he decides once in a while to let me “try again”… but I’m pretty consistently ridiculous, I’d say.

Recently we drove down to Seward for a rotary club tasting at a hotel… we were to be the Hot Husband/Wife Wine Expert Team! (Obviously, I was more excited about this team title and he told me not to say it out loud). I PROMISED myself (and Adam) that I wouldn’t get ridiculously drunk (again) until after the event was over… hehe.

So, about the time I caught myself saying made-up words to random people, I realized Adam was constantly shaking his head and staring at the clock.

Man wanting a wine pour: Hi, I’d like a red please.

Me: Oh Hiiiiiiiiiiii! Didshjew try the shmerlot? It’sh yummy!

Man: I think I’d like the cabernet please.

Me: Absolutely… CABsolutely! HA!!!!

*this is where I giggle uncontrollably at my own ability to make hilarious cracks even while drunk… I’m so damn talented!! Adam must just lov… uh oh, he looks pissed. Okay, no more jokes. Get it together Jen… gigglegigglegigglegiggle…cabsolutely… hahagiggle*

Luckily, Adam still loves me, and the people in the room were probably more drunk than me anyway so I looked fine. Hey, at least I’m a happy drunk!!

We’ll see how long it takes before I can convince my husband to let me help him with a work event again. :)

It’s called an “addition” for a reason…

When we decided to have a baby, Adam and I had many discussions revolving around what type of parents we would be, how we would raise our children – and most importantly, how our lives would change. We always ended up at the conclusion that our lives would basically be the same, just with extra little mini-Fasts worked in. We envisioned camping and hunting and fishing and softball and yard games and beer pong and lots of time with all of our child’s “aunties” and “uncles”. We knew that people who were important to us and a huge part of our every day lives would automatically become equally important to our kids, and everyone would be the same and life would be just double the fun with the addition of our amazing kid(s).

Boy, were we wrong.

As I’m sure everysingleoneofyou out there who has had a child before us ALREADY KNOWS … our vision was bullshit. Here’s the surprising thing to me (Adam as well): we DO still go camping and hunting and fishing, and we play softball and yard games and beer pong – even with Ellie around; we DON’T spend “lots” of time with our pre-Ellie friends who don’t yet have children.

B.E. (“Before Ellie”), we talked to our friends on a near-daily basis. B.E. we saw our friends on a near-weekly basis. B.E. our social calendar was overflowing, and friends freely confided in us their joys, heartaches and minor annoyances.

A.E. (“After Ellie”) is a lot different – obviously in so many ways, but specifically concerning our social lives, it’s so much more different than we would have imagined. A.E. we really only hang out with our two or three friends who have their own children. A.E. people are afraid to call us, confide in us or invite us to social events. A.E. our friends are nervous to bother us.

So… another Superwife PSA for you: babies are called “additions” for a reason.

Adam is still the same Adam – he is a hilarious, sarcastic, sympathetic, competitive, super-fun, loving and concerned husband, brother, son, grandson, nephew and friend. Now, however, he simply has another title to add to that list – father. I am still the same Jenny – a snarky, fun, sympathetic, adventurous, loving, honest and caring wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece and friend. Also, I’m now a mother. See how that works? Those lists? Just got longer, not shorter. We added to our lives, we didn’t take anything away from them.

We still care about our friends. We still want to hear about your joys, your heartaches, your simple everyday wins and losses and annoyances. Remember when we were single? Treat us that way. No, we don’t want to go tear it up cruising for dates or anything, but we want to have the same carefree conversations that we’re used to. We are both perfectly capable of having a conversation that is not peppered with mentions of poop, spitup, laughing baby videos, etc. Pissed about something at work? Sick family member? Excited about anything? PLEASE SHARE. Having a baby did not make us any less enthusiastic about hearing from you.

Those movies that portray new parents as rude, harried jerks who only care about their baby are ridiculous. I will never tell you “Oh yeah? You think you have problems? Well try having a baby who keeps you up all night” – or anything of the sort. I will never blow off your life as trivial just because I have Ellie. I am still capable of having intellectual, adult conversations.

I know that naturally, people will move in different directions (or in the same direction, but at a different pace) and that will lead to distance. I know that we’re in a different place than many of our friends… but please, don’t think that just because we have a baby (or, because we lost a loved one recently) that we have changed so drastically. We still love all of the same things – with the addition of a baby.

Ellie is an ADDITION. In absolutely no way has she subtracted from anything. She has enriched every aspect of our lives – and we are both better people because of her. We’re probably MORE caring, MORE sympathetic, MORE sensitive to your emotions and feelings and friendships.

BABIES – They’re called “additions”… Remember that.

Deep Thoughts by Adam

I’ve been a little MIA lately, as I was gearing up to head back to work (gimp leg and all)… so as of today, I’m a workin mama again. It’s bittersweet, but since my little munchkin will now be spending her days with her handsome baby dude friend Talon and his wonderful mommy Jen, I feel confident that she’s having a safe and great time while I work hard to bring home the bacon.

Because I spent 10 hours catching up on administrative stuff today, and will probably do the same tomorrow, and then I’ll be back in the field working until the end of time… please enjoy these quick and tasty tidbits (“Deep Thoughts by Adam”) that I collected over the last week:

Watching the Royal Wedding, at the moment when Will & Kate exit the church as a married couple: “This music sounds like a damn Disney musical. What if a right now like a giant dragon just came out of nowhere? That would make this WAY more interesting.”

Making a really weird face after getting out of the truck: “What? Oh that face? Nothing. I just had a fart I had to be really careful with.”

Driving to the cabin, slamming on the brakes, looking out the window: “Huh. That’s a good lookin’ piece of wood right there.”

Seriously. I know there were a few more, but I just can’t seem to remember them right now. I’ll try to keep a running list from now on. :)

Any funnies from your “better half” lately? Share, please… we can always use a laugh!