Genius (ridiculousness?) runs in my family

Look, I know that I’m ridiculous and that I tell ridiculous stories about my ridiculous life… but it TOTALLY RUNS IN MY FAMILY (and you know you love it) :

A very oooold email I just found from my sister (2007 maybe?)…

“So I am in the grocery store checkout line debating in my head whether I should play the grocery game* out to the car or take a cart. Well the bagger guy gives me a cart just in case. I push the cart out and stop by the doors to put it away because I KNOW I can make it out to the car**, with all 10-12 bags I might add.
Oh and by the way I look like poop. I am wearing stretched out jeans with a giant sweater that almost reaches my knees! I had also just took off my five fake elashes that I glue on every morning!***
Anyway I am in the middle of grabbing the last bag, my back is all hunched over and I am struggling, who do I see? John****! My ex boyfriend! UGH!
So he comes over to talk. He is saying hi and talking while I am holding what felt like six bags of straight spaghetti sauce on each arm. In which the whole time I KNEW he was looking at my missing eyelashes and my braces! Jeez have I gone down hill since I dated him! ha ha…
Since he has seen me I have half an eye worth of missing eyelashes, brown fried off hair, braces, 5-7 extra pounds of fat clinging to my butt and I drive a grandma car (not that he as seen me driving the car, but I figured I would throw that in for sympathy ha!) Anyway it made me laugh… thought I would tell you.
K well I am going to cook dinner to add on to the fat on my butt ha ha…”

 

 

Ok so… now for the explanations:

*My family plays the “grocery game”… where we see if we can get absolutely all of the groceries (or shopping bags) into the house in one trip. NO SECOND TRIPS!! (Except if there is milk jugs, laundry soap jugs or cat litter included. Or stupid-ass Costco boxes, even though I always try anyway but it doesn’t count if I can’t do it.)

**WE NEVER LOSE THIS GAME. And if we did, it would end with broken jars and laughing fits where we pee our pants. BUT I HAVE NEVER LOST (this game is especially fun when unloading the car after Christmas shopping). I I guess I should also mention this game is never played against anyone, just against the grocery bag demons… so you can totally play by yourself! It there is more that one person, the you’re automatically a team. BTW, Adam thinks this game is dumb, so I just play without telling him. :)

***My sister magically fried off half of the eyelashes on one of her eyes, so she had to wear fake lashes until they grew back. It really did look weird when she didn’t have them on, like something out of a horror movie. Ok maybe not that bad. (But kinda.)

****Name has been changed. I actually wrote this so long ago I don’t even remember the original name now.

Wardrobe Malfunction

Throwback Thursday! Here’s a teeny little post from… we’ll say 2007 maybe.

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Scene: At lunch in a quaint little cafe here in Anchorage (Doriola’s)

Me: Blah blabbity blah, I totally need to buy new work clothes. Mine are all old and faded and pilling. I wear the same three sweaters like every day.

Molly: Yeah, blabbity blah, Nordstrom sale…

Me: Mmhmm, but I’m cheep. I shop at Old Navy and JCPenney for my work clothes.

Molly: Oh, you know I like them too, except Old Navy tank tops stretch out in my boob area.

Me: *remembering that I’m wearing an Old Navy tank top beneath sweater #2 (of 3) this very day* Really? Because I don’t have that problem… actually I’m wearing one today!

At this point, I’m reaching down my shirt to investigate whether or not my boob area is stretched out, when I have an epiphany.

Me: oh um, actually maybe I do have that problem, which might explain why I’m WEARING MY SHIRT BACKWARDS. At least it would be a good explanation, had I actually done it on purpose.

So for anyone who has the Old Navy Tank Top Stretchy Booby Issue, just remember that I have test driven the solution: you can just wear it backwards.

You’re welcome.

SuperDog Toy Trick

**While I’m on vacation (visiting family and BlogHer-ing) for a few weeks, please enjoy some Superwife classics… posts for which I get the most irl (in-real-life) comments and/or compliments. Have a super few weeks and I’ll be back sooooon!**

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So I got this great idea a while back that I should teach my puppy how to put away her toys, since she leaves them ALL OVER the living room floor every day. Check out the video below to see how that went. :)

Note: Now, 2 years later, Tali still puts away her toys (and expects a treat every time, for every single toy). Now that we have a baby, I’ve noticed her starting to put the baby toys away (albeit in her own dog-toy basket), trying to get extra treats! Stinker!

Electronics aren’t Jenny-proof?

**While I’m on vacation (visiting family and BlogHer-ing) for a few weeks, please enjoy some Superwife classics… posts for which I get the most irl (in-real-life) comments and/or compliments. Have a super few weeks and I’ll be back sooooon!**

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Quotes from a small scuffle between Adam and I this afternoon (we’re in the middle of a move!):

Me: “…Well, I just don’t want you thinking I’ll be able to pack up this whole household all by myself!”

Adam: “First of all, I don’t think that. Second, I don’t even TRUST you to pack up everything by yourself.”

Me: “Whaaaaaaaa?”

Adam: “Well, since you’re a girl and have no regard for the value of anything, and you think that all electronics are made out of rock, I wouldn’t want you just throwing everything into a box and calling it packing.” (picture him using the “quote fingers” with the word “packing”)

Me: (giggle… giggle snort… giggle) “I don’t DO that!” (I totally do)

 

That husband of mine, he’s so mean and ruthless perceptive!

Calgon

**While I’m on vacation (visiting family and BlogHer-ing) for a few weeks, please enjoy some Superwife classics… posts for which I get the most irl (in-real-life) comments and/or compliments. Have a super few weeks and I’ll be back sooooon!**

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Life in this house just never gets boring…

My husband and I, lazily watching TV recently…

TV Character: “that’s about as exciting as a douche commercial…blah blah blah…”

Me: “I don’t remember ever in my life seeing a douche commercial.”

Adam: “Sure you have. I’ve seen tons!”

Me: “WTF? Why would you even remember a douche commercial?”

Adam: “Um, DUH, Jenny. ‘Calgon, Take Me Away!’ You don’t remember that?? Gaah.”

Me: “Um, DUH, Adam… those were BATH SALT commercials. Weirdo. Did you think every time someone says ‘Calgon, take me away’ that they’re talking about douching?”

Adam: “I guess.”

Me: “Yeah, because that’s so relaxing. After a long hard day at work, I’m sure women all around the country go home thinking ‘Calgon Douche, Take Me Away!’… god you’re weird.”

Adam: “Women are an enigma. I have no idea if douching is relaxing or not. Women do weird things.”

Me: “NO ONE I KNOW DOUCHES!!!”

Hey, Calgon. Your commercials are apparently confusing to men. Revise, please.

Stop Copying Me! (but don’t really)

My little sister Jessie has a twin (my other little sister Sara)… yet she insists on following in my life’s footsteps. Case(s) in point:

20 years ago:

Me: Look at my awesome new Winnie-the-Pooh tshirt!

Jessie: Cool can I borrow it?

Me: Yeah I guess

Jessie: Mkay. I’ll just wear it every day and night and not take it off for 5 days so that it gets so disgusting you let me keep it. Then I can show all my friends and be like, ‘look at my awesome new Winnie-thePooh tshirt!’…

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7 years ago: 

Me: I’m moving to Seattle!

Jessie: Hey me too!

Me: Where will you live?

Jessie: With you!

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1.5 years ago:

Me: I’m pregnant!

Jessie: I’M pregnant!

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9 months ago:

Me: I had a girl!

Jessie: Me too!!

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5 months ago:

Me: I broke my leg!

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1 week ago:

Jessie: I might have broken my ankle.

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Luckily, it was just a sprain. Silly girl. And then, this…

Yesterday:

Jessie: CAN YOU JUST FRICKEN WIN THE LOTTERY ALREADY??

I love her so much. <3

Speaking of Hoarders…

OMG y’all… This hoarding thing has been happening for YEARS and I haven’t been paying attention!! Adam has a disease! This is a blog post I wrote in May of 2009 (over 2 years ago!!) when Adam and I were moving into our new house. I think it might be a pattern… Eeeeeeek!

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For the past few weeks, Adam and I have been participating in the loving act of ripping eachother’s heads off arguing about retarded back massager chairs that no one has used in 2 years packing up our beautiful belongings because we bought a new house!

Amongst spending hours trying to figure out WHEN THE HECK we accumulated all of this crap (who has two quesadilla makers?? who even has one?), I have many times been scolded for “keeping too much crap.” Because, apparently, “women never get rid of anything.”

Hm.

May I present to you… things I have found while packing that I would have immediately chucked into the trash if my husband hadn’t whined and whined and whined for me to keep them:

  • 72 Sharpie markers. All black.
  • An entire drawer full of random knives. Probably like, 45 of them. Some that look like scary “I’ll gut you” hunting knives, which in no way will ever be needed in my kitchen. This is in addition to the two knife blocks we have on the counter.
  • 24 lighters. We’re not smokers… and no one has that many candles. No one.
  • 13 pairs of nail clippers. Only one of which is mine.
  • 67 shot glasses. Not including the 35 from the cabin. Please, someone tell me… when are we EVER going to need 67 shot glasses at the same time? Have we ever had 67 people do a simultaneous shot at our house?

Meanwhile, the pile I’ve created of “crap to get rid of” is slowly taking over the entire downstairs family room.

Interesting, how I get verbally abused for keeping 3 boxes full of shoes that I wear, yet when I try to throw away dry Sharpie markers, rusty knives, half-empty lighters, dull nail clippers and shot glasses from cities we’ve never been to — ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

Hm.