Musical Melancholy

*sigh*

You know how music totally evokes an emotional reponse from our brains/hearts, even when we don’t want it to?

I can no longer listen to the following songs unless I’m alone with a box of kleenex:

  • Jane – Jefferson Starship
  • Lights – Journey
  • Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
  • One More Day – Diamond Rio
  • Faithfully – Journey
  • If I Die Young – The Band Perry
  • Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
  • Dust in the Wind – Kansas
  • Open Arms – Journey
  • In My Life – The Beatles
  • We Built This City – Starship
  • FM – Steely Dan
  • Hey Nineteen – Steely Dan
  • I’d Love to Change the World – Ten Years After
  • If You Leave Me Now – Chicago
  • Cat’s in the Cradle – Cat Stevens

Damn. DAMN DAMN DAMN. (and fuck Journey.) You know what? I almost just puked writing this, my stomach is so fluttery just thinking about losing him.

Back on “The Wagon”

WARNING: Family proooobably shouldn’t read this. But I know that means now that you will. (but you shouldn’t)

As any woman who has ever pushed a kid out of their hooha knows, the idea of sex post-baby can be terrifying. At my six week checkup appointment, my doctor even offered to tell Adam that I wasn’t ready and needed another month, HAHA (this is why I love my doctor). Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a pattern over the years… Adam without sex is a crabby, crabby man. And Jenny without sex is also crabby… and then we’re crabby at each other together, and that SUCKS.

So… after the green light from the doc, I decided to go for it. To psych myself up, I drank 3 glasses of wine, gave Ellie a full bottle so there would be no fussing… and we did it. And it was fine! Good, even. And it didn’t hurt – HALLELUJAH!!!! I was SO happy, and Adam seemed SO happy, and I bragged the next day to a friend. And my sister.

Cut to Adam and I visiting my family in Idaho a week later. We’re playing drinking games with my sister Jessie and her bf Matt, who just had a baby 6 weeks after we did. My other sister Sara is also there. Adam is hammered.

Adam: So… here’s a question. Are you guys worried at all that when you start having sex again, now that you’ve had a baby, that it’ll only be for the purpose of making another baby and that it won’t be fun again?

Me: ADAM! What the hell?

Adam: No, sherioushly… are you guys worried? Because I’m a little worried. Jenny, I jusht thought maybe since they just had a baby too that they would be good people to share with.

Me: WHAT? So, the bj you got like 2 weeks after I had Ellie, was that for the purpose of making another baby? And when we did it last week, you think I wanted that to be for the purpose of making another baby?

Adam: (looking at Matt & Jessie) Ha. That was awkward, at best.

Me: *tiny voice* Oh. I see.

…awkward silence…

Matt: Um, I hope that doesn’t happen with us.

Jessie: We can’t even think about sex right now.

Me: Great okay well let’s get back to the game. Mkay I think it’s your turn.

A few days later–

Adam: Hey Jen, I’m really sorry about the other night, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just thought maybe we could share with people who are going through the same experiences right now.

Me: Well… I was really embarrassed. You basically told my family that I’m bad at sex.

Adam: No! I didn’t mean it that way. And you’re not bad at sex.

Me: Tell them that.

Adam: Huh?

Me: CALL MY SISTER AND TELL HER I’M NOT BAD AT SEX!!!

Adam: I will not.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’m going to blog it then.

Adam: You’re going to tell the internet that you’re not bad at sex?

Me: Yep.

So anyway… here’s a wrap-up for you:

1. We’re back on the wagon

2. I’m not bad at sex

And now the world knows.

Dirk

I still haven’t been able to bring myself to write a real Jenny-style tribute to the wonderful man that is my father-in-law, but I did want to share the obituary that I wrote. I will get around to writing heartfelt words that aren’t limited by newpaper guidelines, but I’m still healing and this wound is still very new. It was so extremely taxing just to get the obituary written in time to announce the memorial, and then putting together a 37 minute slideshow of all of the photos I could find, that I am not ready to write freely the words I really want to write about Dirk just yet. I promise Dirk, you’ll have your major spotlight on Superwife… just give me a little bit of time.

Link to Dirk’s online obituary in the Anchorage Daily News here.

Dirk Galen Fast, 53, died Oct. 29, 2010 in Talkeetna, Alaska.

Dirk was born in Alaska on August 18, 1957. He graduated from West Anchorage High School in 1976. He was a longtime resident of Talkeetna, and worked as a longshoreman for the Port of Anchorage.

Faith in God and his firmly held religious convictions were very important to Dirk and provided the principles that guided his daily life. He was a longtime member and active participant at the Cliffside Community Chapel in Anchorage, and he drew a great deal of comfort and strength from the Lord Jesus Christ.

Dirk was an unequaled outdoorsman who found joy in everything. He spent most of his weekends fishing and hunting with his son, Adam. He was an adventurer with a knack for storytelling, and was always the life of the party. Dirk was generous, true to his beliefs and always faithful to his word. He was a man who loved without limits. He could befriend absolutely anyone, and spent the majority of his free time helping others. He was peaceful, kind, charming, clever, honest, strong and humorous; friends and family will remember him as a wonderful role model and someone with a simply infectious passion for life and all of its blessings.

Dirk is survived by his son and daughter-in-law, Adam and Jenny Fast; granddaughter, Ellie Lynn Fast; parents, Bill and Bonnie Fast; sisters, Felicia Miller and Jana Helm; brother, Troy Fast; and many aunts, uncles, cousins and other loving relatives.

Memorial contributions may be made to a college fund for Dirk’s brand new baby granddaughter, Ellie Lynn Fast, who was born on Nov. 1, 2010. An account has been set up at Denali Alaskan Federal Credit Union (Account Name: “Adam & Jennifer Fast: Ellie Savings”). 

The memorial that was held in Anchorage was amazing. I’m not lying when I say that Dirk was an awesome man… there were over 400 people that attended the service that Friday evening, and many people couldn’t even get in the door of the church it was so packed. Loads of people had to park in different parking lots and shuttle eachother to the church because the church parking lot filled up so quickly. Dirk touched so many lives, and that was apparent to everyone who witnessed the mass of people who came out to pay their respects. Standing up on the stage with Adam while he spoke about his Dad was incredibly difficult for me – I can’t even begin to think about how difficult it was for my husband. Looking out at the crowd was insane -I felt the loss for every single person.

A separate service was held in Talkeetna the following Sunday, and it was just as beautiful. There were about 125 people, and many got up to share funny and meaningful stories about Dirk. One of Dirks great friends, Mike, gave his entire speech directly to Adam. I cried more listening to Mike speak to Adam than I have since Dirk died. Mike told Adam, in front of everyone, that the very first time he met Dirk he could see the immense love he held for his son. He said that the first thing he ever heard from Dirk (aside from “Scott’s gonna be pissed you parked you boat in his spot“) was “my son Adam is coming to spend the weekend with me” – and that when he said Adam’s name, his whole body lit up. Mike said that Dirk became so animated whenever he spoke Adam’s name that he looked like a dog wagging an imaginary tail. He said in his entire life, he doesn’t think he’s ever said a word with so much love infused into it, but Dirk said Adam’s name like that in normal conversation on an every day basis. Dirk loved Adam with his entire being – they were family, father and son, and absolute best friends. Mike also said that, over the past 9 months, Dirk spoke about his soon-to-be grandbaby with the same inflection. He was so excited to become a grandpa, and everyone in Talkeetna knew it because Dirk made Adam and I and his growing grandbaby the talk of the town.

I thanked Mike for his wonderful speech in an email recently, telling him that I am so glad someone captured and explained the love Dirk had for Adam so well. One of the things that drew me to Adam and his family 14 years ago was the relationship between Dirk and Adam – I was so impressed and so jealous at the same time that someone could be that close to a parent. I was incredibly proud to become a Fast on our wedding day, but Dirk made me feel like this was my last name the moment Adam and I started dating. I’m so grateful to have shared such a fantastic time with him, and to see his relationship with his son – what a beautiful example they have set for when we raise our own children.

I promise… more on Dirk soon.


 

 
 

 

*sigh*

I never knew my heart could break into a billion pieces in absolute grief, yet burst with new love and joy at the same time.

My father-in-law was murdered last Friday. Three days later, I had a baby. That is the short story.

I’m emotionally drained this evening after just having finished up writing the obituary to turn in to the paper tomorrow, so this will be short.

It’s ridiculous all of the things that go through your head when you lose someone. I’m still in complete shock, and I’m not sure I’ve really grieved yet. Sure, I’ve cried, but it took me a while to even get to that point. I just keep thinking of weird things like, “I wonder what food is at his house that needs to be cleaned out before it rots,” and “what is happening with his cell phone?” and “what was the last thing I said to him?”… fortunately I’m nearly positive that the last thing I said to him was “I love you.” And I know that the last time I saw him I got a big giant Dirk bear-hug before he walked out the door.

While writing the obituary this evening, I broke down into tears because I had to google “wording for an obituary when someone is murdered.” I also had to google “how to set up a memorial bank account for donations” — my daughter’s college fund being the memorial, this is all just too much to fathom.

I hate this.

I am overcome with worry and sorrow for my husband, who has lost his best friend. I can honestly say I’ve never seen a father-son relationship as close as Dirk and Adam’s. Dirk was not just Adam’s dad, he was “one of the boys” – friends with all of our friends, always present at parties and gatherings and hunting trips and fishing on the weekends… we even went to Mexico with him this year. I can’t fathom what Adam is going through internally right now, yet he is being so strong - I am so proud of him, yet heartbroken in a way I didn’t know existed.

*sigh* Okay, I thought I might be able to get through more but I can’t. I will follow this post with a photo and some info about my beautiful new daughter, and hopefully I’ll find the time/strength to post again soon. I figure I owe it to my patient readers who know I was due last Sunday. :)

For anyone in Anchorage who knew Dirk, the memorial will be held on Friday, November 12th at 4:30pm at New Grace Christian Church, 10821 Totem Road, Anchorage, AK 99516. I’m hoping the obituary will be in Tuesday’s Anchorage Daily News, as I’m submitting it tomorrow morning.

Thanks so much to everyone for your love and support. Please keep us in your prayers.