Genius (ridiculousness?) runs in my family

Look, I know that I’m ridiculous and that I tell ridiculous stories about my ridiculous life… but it TOTALLY RUNS IN MY FAMILY (and you know you love it) :

A very oooold email I just found from my sister (2007 maybe?)…

“So I am in the grocery store checkout line debating in my head whether I should play the grocery game* out to the car or take a cart. Well the bagger guy gives me a cart just in case. I push the cart out and stop by the doors to put it away because I KNOW I can make it out to the car**, with all 10-12 bags I might add.
Oh and by the way I look like poop. I am wearing stretched out jeans with a giant sweater that almost reaches my knees! I had also just took off my five fake elashes that I glue on every morning!***
Anyway I am in the middle of grabbing the last bag, my back is all hunched over and I am struggling, who do I see? John****! My ex boyfriend! UGH!
So he comes over to talk. He is saying hi and talking while I am holding what felt like six bags of straight spaghetti sauce on each arm. In which the whole time I KNEW he was looking at my missing eyelashes and my braces! Jeez have I gone down hill since I dated him! ha ha…
Since he has seen me I have half an eye worth of missing eyelashes, brown fried off hair, braces, 5-7 extra pounds of fat clinging to my butt and I drive a grandma car (not that he as seen me driving the car, but I figured I would throw that in for sympathy ha!) Anyway it made me laugh… thought I would tell you.
K well I am going to cook dinner to add on to the fat on my butt ha ha…”

 

 

Ok so… now for the explanations:

*My family plays the “grocery game”… where we see if we can get absolutely all of the groceries (or shopping bags) into the house in one trip. NO SECOND TRIPS!! (Except if there is milk jugs, laundry soap jugs or cat litter included. Or stupid-ass Costco boxes, even though I always try anyway but it doesn’t count if I can’t do it.)

**WE NEVER LOSE THIS GAME. And if we did, it would end with broken jars and laughing fits where we pee our pants. BUT I HAVE NEVER LOST (this game is especially fun when unloading the car after Christmas shopping). I I guess I should also mention this game is never played against anyone, just against the grocery bag demons… so you can totally play by yourself! It there is more that one person, the you’re automatically a team. BTW, Adam thinks this game is dumb, so I just play without telling him. :)

***My sister magically fried off half of the eyelashes on one of her eyes, so she had to wear fake lashes until they grew back. It really did look weird when she didn’t have them on, like something out of a horror movie. Ok maybe not that bad. (But kinda.)

****Name has been changed. I actually wrote this so long ago I don’t even remember the original name now.

Bruise-Free Bananas

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m raising a picky eater… But… I’m raising a picky eater.

I mean, she eats all kinds of foods. It’s the QUALITY she’s picky about. Most recent prime example:

A few mornings ago I was getting the girls up and ready for the day. As I was changing Jamie, Ellie headed downstairs without me. I didn’t really pay attention to what she was doing because a.) usually she just grabs the iPad and sits on the couch, and b.) I was going to be down there in like 2 minutes.

A few minutes later, she met me halfway up the stairs with a completely peeled banana in her hands.

“Mommy! This one doesn’t have a bruise! I’m gonna eat it!”

I was pleased that she had gotten her own breakfast, because I was running semi-late.

Until I got downstairs and realized that there were THREE completely peeled bananas sitting on the couch. All with bruises.

Now I know what she meant by “this one doesn’t have a bruise“… Picky betch!

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Ice Cream: The Miracle Cure

I know I owe you all a birth story about my brand new daughter Jamie Lea, but it’s been a crazy couple of weeks here in the Fast household – cut me some slack, people, I have TWO FREAKING KIDS now! Anyway I promise, it’s coming. In the meantime, I thought I’d share another Ellie-ism…

So lately when Ellie gets a little diaper rash, I’ll put Desitin or hydrocortisone cream on it and it usually clears right up. When I’m putting it on her, I always tell her “Okay, gotta put some butt cream on!”

She apparently got confused somewhere along the line and now when her butt itches she says “Gotta put some butt ice cream on it!”. She loves ice cream, and butt cream always makes her feel better, so somehow she’s combined the two in her mind. While this is cute enough alone to be the anecdote, it gets even MORE ridiculously adorable…

The night I went into labor with Jamie, I was having regular contractions about 15 minutes apart. They were getting stronger and closer, and I was sitting on a yoga ball in my living room to ease the pressure on my lower back. At one point, I had Ellie up in my lap when I started to contract – so I gently put her down and told her “Mommy’s tummy hurts, Honey, I’ll pick you back up again in a minute.”

My sweet, adorable, smart little daughter didn’t even miss a beat. She just looked up at me with her serious green eyes and said, “It’s okay Mommy, gotta put some ice cream on it!”

*sigh*

Here’s hoping it’ll be a loooooong time before Ellie realizes that ice cream doesn’t cure everything.

I swear, we’re not trashy parents.

During a recent visit to “Gwama and Poppa’s” house, Ellie impressed everyone with her extensive knowledge of body parts (such a show-off, that one). My mother-in-law was almost in tears (of laughter) while sharing this story with me…

Apparently, Ellie was sitting up on the kitchen counter talking with her grandpa, pointing to his nose and saying “NOSHE!”, his eyes (“EYSH!”), her feet, her toes (“TOESH!”) and all of the other parts she knows. After showing off hair, fingers, legs, knees, teeth, elbows, etc, she pointed at her crotch.

  “KITTY!” she exclaimed, with a huge smile on her face.

Completely stunned, Grandpa stuttered and sputtered and uncomfortably asked Grandma “uh, isn’t that a little inappropriate?”

Thankfully Adam and I don’t have the reputation as TOTALLY trashy parents, so Grandma knew to investigate the situation a little further. After lifting Ellie’s shirt the tiniest bit, she realized that Little Miss Thang happened to be wearing Hello Kitty panties. Cute little white panties, with the tiniest little Hello Kitty right on the front.

Yep, smarty daughter-o-mine, that IS a kitty.

Nope, Grandpa, I won’t be teaching her any vagina slang for a few more years. (For the record, she calls her vagina a ‘gina.)

Superwife Lesson Learned: Where children are involved, ALWAYS clarify. They really are *usually* innocent. :)

Girls Night?

I took Ellie with me to Fred Meyer recently to do a little birthday shopping for my dad. I already had the main part of his gift, but I always always always give him lots of chocolate every year so I had to pick some up. I put Ellie in the mini cart and we set off to find yummies.

When I passed the “feminine” aisle, I realized I needed tampons, so I threw a few boxes into the cart. Then we made our way to the candy aisle and I put five or six different kinds of chocolate in the cart (see where this is going? well, I was oblivious) and headed toward the liquor store for a nice bottle of beer to give my Dad.

After choosing a specialty beer, I wheeled my kid and my loot up to the counter and started unloading. The poor kid behind the counter rang up tampax, chocolate, chocolate, beer, tampax, chocolate and chocolate before he couldn’t help himself…

“Girls’ night?”

EL. OH. EL.

Green Apple Chapstick: Want One?

The first thing I got excited about at the BlogHer Conference last weekend wasn’t my shiny “Superwife” badge. It wasn’t the huge bag-o-swag I got upon registering. It wasn’t even the giant Statue-of-Liberty made entirely of Twizzlers (btw, wtf?)… it was the Pfizer booth in the Expo Hall. Which, I might add, is a shock since I happen to work for a competing pharmaceutical company (which shall remain nameless, of course).

Walking past the booth, I noticed a giant apothecary jar filled with Chapstick. I love Chapstick — no, I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE Chapstick… I seriously have one or two sticks in every single drawer, pocket, purse, wallet, cabinet, nightstand, corner… you get the point. I have every single flavor of chapstick that was ever made (except grape, bc I used it all when I was like ten and then they never rereleased it). In my stocking every year, Adam gives me about 50 new tubes of Chapstick. I am a Chapstickaholic. So naturally, I couldn’t help but sport a huge smile and run went to grab a stick for my purse. As I got a closer look at the jar, I nearly started hyperventilating when I saw that it was a new flavor of Chapstick that I’d never seen: GREEN APPLE.

Dude.

My favorite flavor of all time. Put into Chapstick. Superwife almost had a super heart failure. I could barely breathe when I asked the gal at the booth if I could have fifty a stick, and then almost passed out when she gave me two. Molly laughed at me the whole time. No seriously you guys… I reacted to the Chapstick with more awe and breathlessness than when I met ACmuthafuckinSlater.

ANYWAY… clearlyI was raised in a Chapstick-obsessed family, as evidenced by the following texts I received that night from my mom and sister:

 

 

The text from my sister nearly made my pee my pants… do you get to keep it, lol. Still laughing.

After forcing convincing Molly to give me all of her Chapstick, and sneaking over to the Pfizer booth multiple times per day, I ended up with 14 sticks. Stingy bastards. :)

Okay SO… since this new flavor of Chapstick doesn’t come out for another MONTH (and omg who can wait that long?), and because I’m in a “sharing is caring” mood… I’m giving one lucky Superwife fan a tube of this super-sacred balm. But only one, because I am nice but also very very greedy, and I have a lot of drawers in my house.

Super easy rules: Comment on this post and tell me your favorite flavor of Chapstick. Or, tell me what flavor you wish Chapstick would come out with. Mine was Green Apple, so now I can die happy.

I’ll pick a random winner on Friday, August 19. GO! 

Oh, and thanks again to my supersponsors Paragon/Dirtt and Bradley Reid, for sending me to BlogHer and subsequently supporting my Chapstick habit.

Stop Copying Me! (but don’t really)

My little sister Jessie has a twin (my other little sister Sara)… yet she insists on following in my life’s footsteps. Case(s) in point:

20 years ago:

Me: Look at my awesome new Winnie-the-Pooh tshirt!

Jessie: Cool can I borrow it?

Me: Yeah I guess

Jessie: Mkay. I’ll just wear it every day and night and not take it off for 5 days so that it gets so disgusting you let me keep it. Then I can show all my friends and be like, ‘look at my awesome new Winnie-thePooh tshirt!’…

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7 years ago: 

Me: I’m moving to Seattle!

Jessie: Hey me too!

Me: Where will you live?

Jessie: With you!

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1.5 years ago:

Me: I’m pregnant!

Jessie: I’M pregnant!

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9 months ago:

Me: I had a girl!

Jessie: Me too!!

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5 months ago:

Me: I broke my leg!

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1 week ago:

Jessie: I might have broken my ankle.

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Luckily, it was just a sprain. Silly girl. And then, this…

Yesterday:

Jessie: CAN YOU JUST FRICKEN WIN THE LOTTERY ALREADY??

I love her so much. <3