12 Things I Don’t Like to Hear While Showering

Sometimes I try to shower while the kids are playing in Ellie’s room. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Here are twelve things I definitely do not like to hear while trying to take that shower (and I especially do not like to hear them all during the SAME shower):

1. “Mom?” (I know, I know, but it’s always the start of bigger and badder…)

2. “Jamie just ate a booger.”

3. “Mommy! Jamie threw my pony in the toilet!”

4.”Here Mom… can you wash this pony that Jamie threw in the toilet?” (while throwing sopping wet pony into the shower)

5. “Mama! Poopy!”

6. “Hi. Jamie bath too. Want in.”

7. “Mom? Can you open this?” (hands me a popsicle)

8. “MOM! Jamie took her diaper off!”

9. “Mama. I peed.”

10. “JAMIE PEED ON MY BED!!”

11. “MOOOOOOOOOM! Jamie just poured bubble bath in the toilet!”

12. “Mom are you done yet? It’s crazy out here.”

Yes dear. *sigh* It IS crazy out there.

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I promise, he doesn’t.

Ellie is very into contest games right now – as in, everything is a race. Everything. And everyone is always playing, even if they don’t know it.

“I finished my dinner first, I win!!”

“I made it to the car first, I’m the winner!”

“Aw, Jamie beat me to the bathtub!”

“I got my shoes on the fastest!”

All of this seems so fun and innocent, until I overhear her talking to the nanny last week while we’re apparently doing something race-worthy,

“My Daddy beats my Mommy every day.”

Errrrrrrr… yikes. I feel like I need to just shadow her for the next 5 years so I can clarify everything that comes out of her mouth.

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Relax, there’s totally an explanation…

10 minutes with my 1-year-old

Sometimes, a ten minute conversation with my one-year-old will cover as many as 97 topics.

Other times, it’ll go like this:

(While visiting a friend who has turtles in a little plastic pool in the backyard)

Me: Jamie, do you see the turtles?

Jamie: Turtle.

Me: Yeah! There are six turtles.

Jamie: Turtle.

Me: Do you see them eating?

Jamie: Turtle. Corn. OH! CORN!

Me: Yep, they’re eating corn on the cob.

Jamie: CORN!

Me: Corn is yummy, huh?

Jamie: CORN. TURLES EAT CORN. CORN.

Me: Yep. Okay, neat.

Jamie: Corn. Look! Corn. Turtle. Corn.

Me: Yes. Corn.

Jamie: Mama! CORN!

Me: I see. Corn.

Jamie: CORN. Turtle. CORN. Look! Corn!

And you guys? I walked away about 5 minutes in, but Jamie stood there at that pool and pointed at the corn and turtles for TEN WHOLE MINUTES, and every time someone even walked near her she pulled them into her scintillating conversation. “CORN!”

I’m still chuckling. Who knew corn was so exciting?

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I do have a good explanation…

My girls are in love with the little mini beanie babies that come with the McDonald’s happy meals right now (yes, I bought them a happy meal, calm down). Ellie got a pink elephant and promptly named him “Boo”.

At the closing party for the BlogHer14 conference I just attended in San Jose, CA, McDonald’s happened to be the sponsor – so guess what Mama brought home for the girls? You got it… beanie babies galore. (And I didn’t even have to consume a million happy meals to score all of the goodies!)

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SO, because we really don’t have a need for 19 extra mini elephants… we decided to bring a bag-o-beanies to a friend’s bbq this week and share with the other kiddos we know. Ellie was SO excited to show everyone the swag… so to the first adult she saw when we arrived, she shouted,

“HEY! WE BROUGHT A TON OF BOOS FOR EVERYONE!”

Which, while still appropriate for our group of friends… probably not the best thing for my 3-year-old to be shouting.

 

Mom-Cast: A Morning at the Superhouse

I think that if I attached a microphone to my shirt and recorded everything I say from 7am-10am, on a weekend when I’m the only adult in the house with two munchkins… It would make a really good podcast. Hilarious probably. It’s just a constant stream of ridiculousness that comes out of my mouth.

“Gooooooooood mor— aw dang is that poop?”

 

“Please don’t pull your sister around by the neck of her shirt.”

 

“Purple? Or blue? Purple? Purple? Purple? Blue? Blue? Can you …please just pick some pants?”

 

“Nonoonono standing on the table. No walking on the table. No dancing on the table!!”

 

“Pancakes are not brushes. They go in your mouth. No. No. No. No it’s not a brush. No.”

 

“Don’t touch the remote controls. Don’t – NONO! No remotes! NONO!”

 

“Why is there yogurt in your hair?”

 

“Did you pee?”

 

“Don’t eat crayons. Crayons are not food. Don’t e–NO!”

 

“Do you want a juice? Red or green? We don’t have blue. Red or green. No blue. We don’t have blue. There is no blue. There’s no blue.”

 

“What is that on your pants? Chapstick? Where did you find Chapstick?”

 

“Ohmigosh DON’T STAND ON THAT!!”

 

“Ewwwwyuckyyuckyyuckyewwww nononono we don’t touch the plunger!”

 

“Why is there a book in the toilet?”

 

“Who gave the dog fruit snacks?”

 

“I’m not sure you need THAT much toilet paper, sweetie.”

 

“You can’t brush your hair if it’s in a ponytail.”

 

“Please don’t dance on the stairs, you’re scaring Mommy.”

 

“Don’t put that in your mou– NO NOT ‘mmmmm’ THAT’S A HAIR CLIPPY. No ‘mmmmm’. Yucky.”

 

“Why are you naked?”

 

“Did you get that out of the garbage? Ew.”

 

“How many cookies did you eat? 3? 4? 10? Did you count? Why didn’t you ask me first?”

 

“Can I please have that? That’s Mommy’s. We don’t play with those (Sharpie) markers, they’re Mommy Markers.”

 

“Play-doh is for playing. Don’t put it in your mou– yuck! YUCK! Spit it out! Spit!”

 

“HOT! THAT’S HOT! DON’T TOUCH THAT! HOT COFFEE!”

 

“Nononononononononono NONONONONONO JAMIE!!! Don’t touch the DVD player!”

 

“Yes you can jump on the couch.”

 

“Keep your mouth shut if you’re going to jump off the couch, you might bite your tongue.”

 

“Did you bite your tongue?”

 

“Did you hurt your foot? Does it hurt really bad? Should we cut it off?”

 

“Honey I was just kidding. I would never cut you. I promise. No, I will never cut off your foot. I PROMISE.”

 

“I promise I’ll never cut off Jamie’s foot either. I won’t cut anyone’s foot off, ever.”

 

“SINGALONG!!!! LET IT GOOOOO– oh, I’m not allowed to sing? Why? I’m too OLD?”

 

“Yes you can have some of my water. Just don’t squee– *sigh*… here’s a towel.”

 

“Please stop handing me your boogers. You know where the tissue is.”

 

“What is that? A booger? Why are you just standing there holding it?”

 

“Do I hear running water? Why is the tub running? WHY IS THE TUB RUNNING?”

 

“Are your panties on backward?”

 

“WHY IS THIS WET?”

 

“Is it naptime yet?”

 

And on and on and on… would you listen? If I could ever find the time to edit and publish a weekly recording like this, I feel like it might be a hit! :)

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Little Fish

I find it a little ironic that my little Jameson is such a water baby. I mean, I was sure she was a boy when I was pregnant. and our boy name is Fisher… and now I’m calling her my “Little Fish” anyway. Funny how that works out, huh? ;)

I CANNOT keep this girl away from water. Any water at all.

Bathtub? Well, that’s a given… she’s climbed in fully clothed on multiple occasions, just because she’s too impatient to wait threefreakingseconds for me to undress her.

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Sink? She’s almost tall enough now to stand on the stool and turn on the faucet… almost. For now though, she just stands on the stool and screams “TEEEEEEEEETH” at me until I turn on the water and hand her a toothbrush.

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Pool? Duh. And she has no fear – always trying to climb out of her floaty, and jumping in without a life vest on like it’s no big deal at all.

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Water bottle? Don’t even try to drink one around her. Don’t. Even.

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Dog dish? The most frustrating obsession of all. The word “no” has absolutely no effect on this child when it comes to the dog dishes. She wants to SWIM in Tali’s water.

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I kid you not, people… she just walked up to me AS I WAS WRITING THIS, threw an empty cup into my lap and yelled, “WAWA!!”!

My Little Fish. My cup runneth over. <3

Growing into Angry Birds

The Angry Birds obsession has hit our household, and my girls are preeeeetty much in love with anything Angry Birds-related. I bought Ellie a swimsuit with the red bird on it, and a set of 5 pairs of socks. I had to buy myself the same socks, and now every morning when she wakes up she asks, “Mom what socks should we wear this morning?” – and then refuses to wear anything that doesn’t make our feet match (it makes my morning decisions just *that* much more difficult, having to remember that I MUST choose socks for which Ellie has a match). Anyhoo… at the store the other evening, I was treated to this lovely (and completely innocent) outburst:

Ellie: MOM! Angry Birds panties!!!

Me: Hmmm, well… These are just too big for you sweetie.

Ellie: Well when my ‘gina gets bigger can I get them?

(Most of the time I can stifle my laughter. This… was not one of those times.)

(AND she was still asking the same question like 5 minutes later in the milk aisle, and I finally had to be like “ummmm when your little booty gets bigger we can get them… Can we please talk about something else???”)

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