All in the Family

I just HAD to repost this entry from my mom’s blog, JustJeri… a little peek into my family. Clearly, Adam and I don’t have the ONLY silly conversations around here…

Honors Student?

Posted by justjeri | Under Uncategorized Saturday Mar 20, 2010

My son and I have been going round and round about the Honors Program at his school. Apparently his teacher told him she wants him to be in the Honors Program. I told him his grammar is horrible, he can’t punctuate or spell so how could he be in the LANGUAGE Honors Program at school? Don’t get me wrong, he is smart and does really well in school, but Language Arts (English) is his worst subject. He is below average in English hands down!

This past Thursday he came home from school and said “My teacher wants me to be in the Honors Program and this time I don’t need your permission.” (Because before I told him no he was not ready)  He said “Well, I don’t need your permission and I don’t have to do anything, she’s just going to put me in it.” “Hmmmmm,” was all I said and the conversation was dropped.

Friday night Brian, Billy and I were sitting in the living room watching t.v. and Billy all of a sudden piped up and said “I seen that!!” ….I looked over at him and said “And your teacher thinks you should be in the Honors Program…?!”

He said “What did I say?” …I told him. Brian laughed. Then Billy says…
“Oh..I meant I sawn it.”    Hmmmmmm……

 Don’t forget to check out mom’s blog (she’s got SEVEN children, how could it be boring?) at www.justjeri.com!

“Forty, Douche!”

This happened the week before my wedding in 2008, when my family was up visiting from Idaho. I had to repost this from my other site because I just realized that I’ve written TWO posts about douching. WTF? I need new subject matter…

Scene: My living room, playing Nintendo Wii with Adam, my Mom, Karlynn (sister, 13), Kendyl (sister, 10) & Billy (brother, 12). Billy & Kendyl are playing Wii tennis for the first time. They are super excited and hyped up on sugar of some kind. Everyone else is watching/computering/etc.

Nintendo Wii: Beep boop… boop…. beeeep…. beep boop…. Forty, Deuce!

(that means they’re tied at 40 points… I had to look it up.)

Kendyll (LOUDLY): WHAT’S A DOOSH?

Everyone (except Billy): Baaaaahaaaahaaahaaaa!!

Oddly enough, Karlynn laughs first and loudest of all.

Mom: It’s Doooose, baby. It means tie, same score. Doosh is something different.

Kendyll: What is it then?

Mom: Nothing. Keep playing. *pauses* Karlynn… why are YOU laughing?

Karlynn (shyly now): I dunno.

Mom: You don’t even know what that means.

Karlynn: I know.

Scene: Fred Meyer grocery shopping with Karlynn and my Mom.

Mom: Hey you two, come over here.

Me: Uh… why are we stopping in the condom aisle?

Karlynn: Baaaahaaaaahaaaahaa.

Mom: Jenny, grab the Massengill box down there on the bottom shelf

(This exact box!)

Me: uhhhhh… oohhhhhhhhh HAHAHAHAHA

Karlynn: What are we doing? Oh. My. God. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

Mom: Now, since you laughed so loud, I thought you should know what a douche really is… see it’s where you-

Karlynn: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GROCERY STORE?? *bluuuuuuuuushing!!!*

Me: Ahhh…. I’m SO doing this to my kids.

My family rocks. :)

Side note: Way back a million years ago when I was 10, I remember sitting at the dinner table with my family (Mom, Dad, me, and 2 sisters Jessie and Sara, who were both 5 at the time) and one of the girls pissed me off somehow so I called her a dildo… and got sent to my room. I didn’t even know what it meant! Kids at school said it! So, I totally feel you Karlynn… I knew that word was bad, but not THAT bad! Now you’ll think differently next time you hear someone call someone a douchebag at school, eh? :)

Calgon, Take Me Away…

This was originally posted on jennyfast.com… but I’ve been exhausted from travel and work this week, so you’ll get re-posts and you’ll like them. ;)

Life in this house just never gets boring…

My husband and I, lazily watching TV recently…

TV Character: “that’s about as exciting as a douche commercial…blah blah blah…”

Me: “I don’t remember ever in my life seeing a douche commercial.”

Adam: “Sure you have. I’ve seen tons!”

Me: “WTF? Why would you even remember a douche commercial?”

Adam: “Um, DUH, Jenny. ‘Calgon, Take Me Away!’ You don’t remember that?? Gaah.”

Me: “Um, DUH, Adam… those were BATH SALT commercials. Weirdo. Did you think every time someone says ‘Calgon, take me away’ that they’re talking about douching?”

Adam: “I guess.”

Me: “Yeah, because that’s so relaxing. After a long hard day at work, I’m sure women all around the country go home thinking ‘Calgon Douche, Take Me Away!’… god you’re weird.”

Adam: “Women are an enigma. I have no idea if douching is relaxing or not. Women do weird things.”

Me: “NO ONE I KNOW DOUCHES!!!”

Hey, Calgon. Your commercials are apparently confusing to men. Revise, please.

My Mom(in-law) Says I’m “Special”

I swear, the name of this blog should just be changed to “Shit My Husband Says.”

Me: Awwwwwwww *tear*. Your mom gave us a Valentine? That’s so sweeeeeeeeeet.

Adam: She does it every year, I don’t know whay you’re so suprised.

Me: And it’s so sweeeeeeeeet that she does it every single year. *tears*

Adam: Crimony. Did you read the card?

Me: Yes, it says “to my wonderful son and his special wife.” Isn’t that SO sweeeeeeeet? *teeeeaaaars*

Adam: “Special Wife” … It makes you sound like a drooler.

Me: *sigh* well, that’s one wasy to get me to stop crying, I guess.

Technically though, since there was delicious chocolate involved… that does make me a drooler.

So THAT’S what “married” means…

Okay, I know I’m still sort of newly married (1.5yrs)… but PLEASE tell me this isn’t something I have to look forward to.

Adam and I, having a light conversation while sitting on the couch this evening.

Me: Blah blah blah, that movie Zombieland made me kind of queasy… blah…

Adam: Something something chicken wings for the Superbowl party…

Me: Hey, what are you doing with your hand? Stop playing with your crotch and just have a conversation with me for one second please.

Adam: I’m moving my balls off my leg. I’m not playing with my balls.

Me: Whatever, it’s weird. Please stop.

Adam: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET USED TO THE FACT THAT I TOUCH MY BALLS? I’m, a dude, it’s what we do.

Me: It’s just fucking weird and uncomfortable for me when I’m sitting here trying to look you in the eyes and have a conversation, and you’ve got your hand down your pants trying to act like everything’s normal! And by the way, how long does it take to “move your balls off your leg”? You’ve had your hand down your pants for 5 minutes!

Adam: Well if I move my hand, they’ll be touching my leg again now won’t they? Duh.

Me: You’re making me uncomfortable. Can you just quit it at least while we’re talking?

Adam: Jenny! Knock it off! Nothing should be uncomfortable between us. We both should be able to sit here facing eachother, buck naked, Indian-style and have a normal conversation. We’re MARRIED.

Me: I just choked on my tea. I’m going to bed. And I’m never sitting Indian-style again. Ever.

A Favorite from JennyFast

Just thought I’d give another little peek at my husband’s mind… from a post I put on jennyfast.com back in August of 2008 (just after my wedding).

~~~~~~~~~~

OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED…

A few days ago Adam came home with an Axe Body Wash combo pack and was excited about this “detailer thingy” that had been advertised as this manly bath sponge for manly dudes.

 I can’t think of how many times Adam (or my dad, or his dad) has bugged me about buying makeup or pedicures or hair stuff or clothes or ANYTHING that they could’ve found for cheaper… (you bought a facial mud mask? I could find you some mud out back! Why do you waste your money??). So of course my natural, snappy response was this:

“You bought THAT? A “detailer“? What does that even mean? I could find one of those for like, FIFTY CENTS, anywhere!”

 Adam, defensively: “This one is for boys.”

Oh. Excuuuuuuse me.

detailer

THIS, looks like a MAN’S sponge. It is DEFINITELY worth more than fifty cents, and no woman should ever think she is allowed to use it because it is for MAN parts.

THIS, is a GIRLY sponge, and no man could possible ever consider using it, even though no one sees him IN THE SHOWER.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my face in the mud from the backyard.

Safe Words and Tippytoes

I mentioned in my first post that Adam and I started trying for a baby in 2009… well it’s been nearly a year now, and no luck. I thought I’d share my experience with the issues and frustrations I’ve been dealing with here. I know I’m not the only person who has ever had fertility issues, and it helped me to read other couples’ stories online. My journey so far has been frustrating, uncomfortable and sometimes comical. I don’t know how cathartic this will be, but hopefully it will at least be either entertaining or comforting to someone.

So… just a short story for now. A few months ago I decided to finally get fertility testing done, and after a bunch of OBGYN appointments and some big long scary needles, my doctor prescribed Clomid. I had 3 blood tests and a failed hysterosalpingogram last year, and just this month my doc decided to dilate my cervix and give me pills. She’s pretty confident that we’ll (finally) succeed in makin’ a baby within 3 months, so I guess we’ll see.

When my doc was talking to me about the medication, she mentioned that it might make me go a little bit super-bitch-crazy… I laughed and said that I’m already a super bitch, so no biggie. She took it a little more seriously and then told me that I should “come up with a ‘safe’ word” for my husband and I to use in case I get out of hand… emotionally. SRSLY? Enjoy a small peek into my home life, in which you’ll see that this idea? Would never work.  

Me: “Hey Honey, before I start taking these pills tomorrow, my doctor thinks we should come up with some sort of safe word in case I turn into too much of a biotch.”

Adam: “Oh, great. Is that what I have to look forward to? Can I just move out for a little bit?”

Me: “That may make the ‘baby-making’ a little difficult. Seriously though, we should come up with some sort of signal or word. Just in case.”

Adam: “How about, ‘Hey Jenny you’re being a huge bitch’? That should be fine.”

Me: “Uh, unless you don’t care if I throw plates at you, that will not work fine.”

Adam: *sigh* “Okay. Tippytoe.”

Me: “Huh?”

Adam: “That’s the word. Tippytoe.”

Me: “No. Absolutely not. I can guarantee that that word would just piss me off even more if I’m already in a shitty mood.”

Adam: “It seems like you’re starting to put yourself in a shitty mood right now.”

Me: “No, I just want you to take this seriously! C’mon!”

Adam: “You’re starting to freak me out. Have you already started taking those pills?”

Me: “What? NO! I said I start taking them tomorrow!”

Adam: “…tippytoe… tippytoe…”