Bedroom Eyes

Adam and I enjoyed a much-needed weekend in Seattle without the kiddos recently, and we attempted to keep most of our conversation “adult” (i.e. not revolving around our babies). Wow, that is difficult! We managed, for the most part.

At lunch on Sunday, we somehow began discussing pretty movie stars. I had accused Adam of only being attracted to “exotic” women (Salma Hayek is pretty much his dream girl), and he got all bent out of shape.

Adam: That is SO not true!

Me: Name a non-exotic movie star you think is hot.

Adam: Blake Lively.

Me: Shocker. Every man is attracted to her, she’s got those “I’d rather be in bed” eyes.

Adam: Is that what it is? Man… you should work on that!

Me: Ummm… I’m pretty sure as a mom with a full time job and two kids under the age of 3, I ALWAYS have “I’d rather be in bed” eyes.

Adam: *sigh*

Seriously though… I’d rather be in bed. I haven’t blogged in 3 months because every time I have a second – you guessed it – I’d rather be in bed.

So, SuperMommies – you can now tell everyone you’ve got “bedroom eyes.” Unless of course you’ve got some special secret for waking up completely rested and ready to go, and in that case, start talking. 

Anyway… g’night!

Movie Star Bedroom Eyes
 
New Mommy Bedroom Eyes

(That pic of me is totally from 2010 when Ellie was a baby… but I assure you I still have the same eyes. There may be slightly darker circles under them now.)

 

Let the public embarrassment begin…

Ellie has really never embarrassed me in public – I’m not the mom who freaks out when her baby cries super loudly in the grocery store (or on the plane), I don’t care if she has a blowout and the stink fills the room, and I think pretty much everything she says is funny or really, really cute.

Recently, however, she managed to make the color rise in my cheeks (even though I still thought she was cute and funny). During a quick trip to Target in search of new nursing tanks, I brought my little darling into the dressing room with me while I tried a few things on.

The rooms on either side of us were occupied, and Target was not playing any sort of background music over the store speakers – so everything was relatively quiet. Until Ellie ripped a ridiculously loud fart and then started cracking up… and then yelled the words “MOMMY TOOTS!”

Okay, so I definitely was laughing, but I told her “No, ELLIE toots. Mommy didn’t toot!” – but nooooooo, repeating the words “MOMMY TOOTS” over and over had her laughing like a hyena and me blushing to no end. And what the heck do you even do in that situation? “Um, excuse me, other people in the dressing room? It really wasn’t me, I promise! It was my kid! Really!”

Riiiiiiiight.  

I can’t help but think it must have been her DAD that taught her pass the blame like that. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

Toilet Training: Husbands vs Toddlers

We women have spent YEARS attempting to train our husbands (and boyfriends/brothers/fathers/sons) to put the toilet seat back down afte they pee. YEARS, I tell you. Have you been successful? Because I have not. I don’t even think Adam hears the words coming out of my mouth once he realizes it’s a “nag” statement.

It’s just ridiculous the number of times I’ve mentioned (and nicely, at that!) how it would be really helpful and much less unsightly if Adam would *PLEASE* just close the toiled lid when he’s finished. I’ve pretty much given up on that – hell, at this point I’m just happy if he manages to actually FLUSH the damn toilet when he’s finished…

…which is why I found it absolutely, knee-smackingly, pee-my-pants (literally, thanks to my currently being 8 months pregnant) hilarious when my husband and I recently had this conversation:

Adam:(calling to me from the bathroom) Hey is there somewhere for me to put this stupid Dora potty seat of Ellie’s?

Me: Yes, Honey, there’s a hook on the side of the toilet. Just hang the seat right on it, please don’t leave it on the floor.

Adam:(coming out of the bathroom) Well I guess it’s cool that it came with a hook. Hey, you know what we should do? We should train Ellie to put her seat away when she’s finished using it.

Me: Oh, so it won’t be so annoying when the next person goes to use the toilet?

Adam: Yeah, it’s such a pain in the ass to have to deal with that every time I pee. I mean, she’s old enough to learn how to put her seat away, right?

Me: ONE WOULD THINK.

He still doesn’t get the irony.

 

I swear, we’re not trashy parents.

During a recent visit to “Gwama and Poppa’s” house, Ellie impressed everyone with her extensive knowledge of body parts (such a show-off, that one). My mother-in-law was almost in tears (of laughter) while sharing this story with me…

Apparently, Ellie was sitting up on the kitchen counter talking with her grandpa, pointing to his nose and saying “NOSHE!”, his eyes (“EYSH!”), her feet, her toes (“TOESH!”) and all of the other parts she knows. After showing off hair, fingers, legs, knees, teeth, elbows, etc, she pointed at her crotch.

  “KITTY!” she exclaimed, with a huge smile on her face.

Completely stunned, Grandpa stuttered and sputtered and uncomfortably asked Grandma “uh, isn’t that a little inappropriate?”

Thankfully Adam and I don’t have the reputation as TOTALLY trashy parents, so Grandma knew to investigate the situation a little further. After lifting Ellie’s shirt the tiniest bit, she realized that Little Miss Thang happened to be wearing Hello Kitty panties. Cute little white panties, with the tiniest little Hello Kitty right on the front.

Yep, smarty daughter-o-mine, that IS a kitty.

Nope, Grandpa, I won’t be teaching her any vagina slang for a few more years. (For the record, she calls her vagina a ‘gina.)

Superwife Lesson Learned: Where children are involved, ALWAYS clarify. They really are *usually* innocent. :)

Ketchup Popsicles

It’s starting to look a lot like spring here lately, and Ellie is now obsessed with being outside… so naturally, I’ve been itching to buy her some yard toys. Slides, climbing cubes, etc (you know, Step 2 & Little Tykes stuff) – but brand new those things are ridiculously expensive! I recently told Adam I’d been searching for stuff on craigslist but hadn’t really found anything reasonable. Apparently he thinks that’s because I’m incompetent:

Me: People are listing those yard toys pretty high, I think it must just be that time of year.

Adam: I’ll look.

Me: No, I scour Craigslist multiple times every day babe. I haven’t really seen anything cheap enough.

Adam: Jenny, I am the Craigslist master. I’LL look.

Me: Seriously? How do you think you’re gonna find something that’s not there?

Adam: Babe. I’m so good at Craigslist I could find ketchup popsicles if I wanted to. Don’t test me.

Hm. Guess I got told. (By the way, if you’re looking for ketchup popsicles Adam can obviously find them for you. Let me know if you need a hookup and I’ll get you his email.)

Another by the way… if you’re a parent and you live in Anchorage or the Valley, and your toddler has outgrown his or her yard toys – I’m interested! Email me at superwifejenny@gmail.com :)

Apparently I need to eat more cheeseburgers

Adam and I were watching television the other night and this stupid Carl’s Jr. commercial came on. RIGHT in the MIDDLE of our conversation, his eyes completely glazed over and he basically forgot I was alive for 30 whole seconds. Have you seen this commercial? The one with Kate Upton? Here… please, do your research:

Okay. So I was all about letting it slide justthisonce… until NOT 3 SECONDS LATER he was on his iphone, looking up the “uncut” version of the commercial and completely ignoring me.

Me: WHAT THE HELL? You didn’t get enough of that bitch just now on the tv?

Adam: Huh? Oh, I just wanted to see the full version.

Me: How the hell did you even know there WAS a “full version?”

Adam: I just assumed. Anyway I didn’t get to see what kind of burger that was so I wanted to look it up.

Me: 0___0   (that’s a blank stare, for those of you who don’t know text-speak)

Adam: What?

Me: Possibly the most ridiculous excuse I’ve ever in my life heard. Up there with “I only look at Playboy for the articles.”

Adam: I really wanted to see what kind of burger it was, it looked like there was jalepenos!

Me: So you’re just gonna keep digging, huh?

 

APPARENTLY, Carl’s Jr, you need to make the product for which you’re advertising A LITTLE DAMN MORE OBVIOUS.

(And… If I EVER see anyone eating a burger like that I will ram them with my car. Whores.)

Stimulation Room

So my boss and I are in Fairbanks this summer, where it gets REAAAAALLLLY cold in the in the winter. I mean REEEEALLLLY cold. Like, -50 degrees. Seriously. Ok so anyway… we’re talking to this pharmacy intern who says she’s from Louisiana and is leaving in September. I mention she’s missing the “best part of the year” (winter), and she giggles and tells me it’s okay because one of her friends made her go into this “winter simulation chamber” — a touristy thing, it’s a room that’s like -30 degrees to show outsiders what the winter weather feels like.

So… cut to dinner later that evening with my boss.

Boss: So, it looks like we may have a few extra hours to kill before the flight tomorrow. What is there to do around here?

Me: Oh, well, we could have lunch at Lavelle’s, then we could go to Pioneer Park and do a little bit of touristy stuff… oh hey! Maybe we could go to that stimulation room! ACK! *chokes on wine, almost spews out nose* … I mean SIMULATION ROOM. SIMULATION. Oh god, haha, oops. SIMulation.

Boss: Um, that sounds fun. Could we just skip lunch and go straight there? Haha!

Yeah, I’m that awesome. Maybe less wine at dinner with the boss next time. For the record though, he blushed too. :)