THE SITUATION: Your dog wakes you up at 3:45 in the morning by ripping a GIANT fart and whining in the corner of your newly-white-carpeted-bedroom. Upon inspection, you find that there is a liquid shit trail that completely circles your bed (and is amazingly also on some parts of the wall). THE SOLUTION: Do you: A) Calmly get out [...]
Setting: Adam walks in as I’m just finishing up staining the guest bedroom bed (which he built out of pine like 5 years ago). Me: I’m almost done. Adam: Should you be breathing this? Me: Well it needed to be done and I’m very impatient. But I’m almost done, what do you think? Adam: [...]
Me: Hey Baby! Like my new shirt? Adam: I don’t get it. Me: Huh? How do you not get it? Adam: But you’re not skinny. It doesn’t make sense. Are you pushing your stomach out? Me: I need a divorce lawyer.
Dear Negative Nellys and Debbie Downers: The baby names my husband and I have lovingly chosen are set. They are also OUR CHOICE. When YOU spend 15 months trying and agonizing and trying and peeing on sticks daily and trying and taking your temperature before you get out of bed every day and trying and [...]
My favorites from our Mexico trip a few weeks ago:
Seriously, Babycenter.com… stop sending me horror emails. I appreciate the weekly “your baby is now the size of (enter fruit or vegetable here)” – but this last email I could’ve done without. Just let me enjoy being pregnant and I’ll find out the scary stuff later. I’ll just give you the general idea of why [...]
Although I’ve read that these crazy pregnancy dreams that have been plaguing me lately are “completely normal” (suuuuure, babycenter.com), I still think some of them would be better off forgotten. I’ve dreamt of so many insane subjects in the past few weeks – from crazed killers coming after me with knives to finding out I’m [...]
