The Adventures of Superwife

Dirk’s trial starts on Monday. I guess I should say Dirk’s killer’s trial starts on Monday, but we all know it as Dirk’s trial – and I think it’s difficult for many of us to say the man’s name.

This week has definitely been a taxing one… sure, I’ve had my moments of laughter and jokes with family and friends, but in between smiles I’ve been weighed down by the thought of this trial. Adam and I have been bickering like idiots, surely just to avoid talking about something more difficult than “whydidn’tyouputyourdishes inthedishwasheryoujerk?”. A ”good night’s rest” has been a lofty goal these days, and to be honest we’ve been catching some unnecessary grief from people about the fact that we’re not going to be here for the trial.

WHAT? Jenny and Adam aren’t even attending their DAD’s murder trial? No, no we are not. Adam and I will be attending the very beautiful, very fun wedding of two of our closest friends in Honolulu, Hawaii – and we fully believe that that is exactly where Dirk would want us to be. Because if he were alive, he would 100% be going with us. We believe that in no way would Dirk condone the cancellation of this trip in order for us to attend an emotional, gut-wrenching, frustrating trial – especially since nothing is changing. No matter the outcome of this trial, Dirk will still be gone and we will still be working hard to stitch together our broken hearts.

We love Dirk. We miss Dirk. We also think that God had a hand in the scheduling of this trial – we didn’t get the notice until after we had purchased Hawaii tickets, and wouldn’t you agree that perhaps this is NOT a coincidence? Perhaps… we just weren’t meant to be there.

In any case… we appreciate the love and support you all have shown in the last year and a half. If anyone would like to attend the trial, you should be able to find information at the Alaska Court View webpage. The case number to search is 3PA-10-02936CR, and the defendant’s name is Samuel E Clark. The latest information I have is that jury selection will begin on Monday and probably last through Tuesday, and as soon as the jury is chosen the trial will begin (so possibly as early as Wednesday, May 15). Check the website for more updated information, and I’ll try to update with what I find out on Dirk’s memorial facebook page.

Now… go enjoy your weekend. Hug your kids, call your parents, and be free with your “I love yous”.

It’s starting to look a lot like spring here lately, and Ellie is now obsessed with being outside… so naturally, I’ve been itching to buy her some yard toys. Slides, climbing cubes, etc (you know, Step 2 & Little Tykes stuff) - but brand new those things are ridiculously expensive! I recently told Adam I’d been searching for stuff on craigslist but hadn’t really found anything reasonable. Apparently he thinks that’s because I’m incompetent:

Me: People are listing those yard toys pretty high, I think it must just be that time of year.

Adam: I’ll look.

Me: No, I scour Craigslist multiple times every day babe. I haven’t really seen anything cheap enough.

Adam: Jenny, I am the Craigslist master. I’LL look.

Me: Seriously? How do you think you’re gonna find something that’s not there?

Adam: Babe. I’m so good at Craigslist I could find ketchup popsicles if I wanted to. Don’t test me.

Hm. Guess I got told. (By the way, if you’re looking for ketchup popsicles Adam can obviously find them for you. Let me know if you need a hookup and I’ll get you his email.)

Another by the way… if you’re a parent and you live in Anchorage or the Valley, and your toddler has outgrown his or her yard toys – I’m interested! Email me at superwifejenny@gmail.com :)

I wrote a while back about how I don’t do Adam’s laundry… stop judging me, he’s a dude and his laundry is gross. And he generates like, seven times as much dirty clothing as I do so if I did his laundry I’d be doing laundry all day every damn day.

Anyway, I was feeling nice recently (no idea why) and while he was gone for the weekend I decided I’d surprise him by getting his MOUNTAIN of smelly clothes all clean and put away (you know now that I think about it, I might not actually have been feeling nice, but actually super-annoyed that I couldn’t walk through our bedroom…).

You guys, I’d just like to give you an idea of  how long it’s been since Adam actually operated the washing machine. Here is a breakdown of all of the separate categories of clothing – each which constituted a FULL load of laundry – I had to lay out before I even started this chore: 

1. boxers

2. white socks

3. hunting socks

4. button-up work shirts

5. fleece pants

6. waffle shirts (long-john material)

7. orange t-shirts

8. dark t-shirts

9. white t-shirts

10. jeans

11. weird materials (workout shirts, nylon, underarmour, etc.)

12. cargo shorts

13. sweatshirts/sweatpants

14. miscellaneous color load

Okay… I know who I married, so I’m not particularly surprised by most of this, but who the heck has an entire load of dirty hunting socks??? Or really, an entire load of orange t-shirts?

 OR FOURTEEN F***ING LOADS OF LAUNDRY IN GENERAL??

Aaaaaaaand now I’ve retreated blissfully back into my “no man-laundry” rule after a weekend spent folding laundry gave me carpal-tunnel. Next time you see my husband, tell him his socks look clean.

Adam and I were watching television the other night and this stupid Carl’s Jr. commercial came on. RIGHT in the MIDDLE of our conversation, his eyes completely glazed over and he basically forgot I was alive for 30 whole seconds. Have you seen this commercial? The one with Kate Upton? Here… please, do your research:

Okay. So I was all about letting it slide justthisonce… until NOT 3 SECONDS LATER he was on his iphone, looking up the “uncut” version of the commercial and completely ignoring me.

Me: WHAT THE HELL? You didn’t get enough of that bitch just now on the tv?

Adam: Huh? Oh, I just wanted to see the full version.

Me: How the hell did you even know there WAS a “full version?”

Adam: I just assumed. Anyway I didn’t get to see what kind of burger that was so I wanted to look it up.

Me: 0___0   (that’s a blank stare, for those of you who don’t know text-speak)

Adam: What?

Me: Possibly the most ridiculous excuse I’ve ever in my life heard. Up there with “I only look at Playboy for the articles.”

Adam: I really wanted to see what kind of burger it was, it looked like there was jalepenos!

Me: So you’re just gonna keep digging, huh?

APPARENTLY, Carl’s Jr, you need to make the product for which you’re advertising A LITTLE DAMN MORE OBVIOUS.

(And… If I EVER see anyone eating a burger like that I will ram them with my car. Whores.)

Friends, do I have another Superwife lesson for you…

It’s possible that you may have a young toddler who loves technology as much as Superbaby does. Have you ever let your child play with your iPhone or iPad? Does it buy you a few minutes every now and then – to set your kiddo up with your iPad while you blowdry your hair or hastily apply some makeup?

Well… a word of caution:

Your baby knows how to embarrass you. Just when you think you have everything under control… even when you’re not anywhere NEAR your baby – that little one OWNS you.

Let’s say – hypothetically – that you need JUSTAFEWDAMNMINUTES to finish getting ready the morning of a business trip. You’re frazzled, you’re behind, and your hair is a wreck. Your little one is wreaking havoc on everything and anything, so you set her up with your iPad on the floor next to you as you sit down to dry your hair. You haven’t had a chance to grab any clothes quite yet, so you perch yourself on an office chair with just a towel around your waist – no biggie, it’s just you and kiddo in the house anyway.

She plays contently, flipping through apps and bobbing her head to the song she’s smartly selected from your music library – giving you just the time you need to beautify yourself and then proceed to get dressed.

You might think this is an innocent, easy solution to your morning mayhem – DON’T BE FOOLED. Because the rest of this story might go like this:

You’ve kissed your kiddo goodbye. You’ve packed your carry-on bag for the plane, complete with your iPad to keep you busy for the next few hours. You take your seat, squeezed in between two nice gentlemen, on your four-hour flight. You open up your bag, pull out your iPad, turn it on, and…

HELLOOOOOOOOO BREASTS.

You now – hypothetically – find yourself staring at an iPad-sized photograph of YOUR OWN BOOBS. Taken by – you guessed it – your conniving, sneaky sweet, innocent little baby.

Now I don’t know how you would act upon finding yourself in this predicament, but IIII would probably let out a squeal, freak out and fumble until I accidentally drop my iPad, turn bright red and immediately start sweating profusely… and then I’d spend the next four hours staring straight ahead and not making ANY eye contact or conversation with the gentlemen on  either side of me. If this ever happened to me.

So… a word to the wise – either don’t let baby play with your iPhone/iPad/smartphone/camera, or check your damn photostream before you leave the house.

Just in case.

Self-Portrait by Superbaby

Though I haven’t really been active with my Etsy store recently… I am pleased to announce that Superwife’s hats and hair clippies are now available for sale at The Baby Store Toys and More in Wasilla, AK!

The Baby Store features gently used and new kids clothing and gear- which I have to say, I’m totally into. Baby clothes and toys are SO expensive for the amount of use kids get out of them- I bought Ellie’s whole vacation wardrobe and most of her bigger toys (an her high chair!) second-hand and probably saved well over $200. No joke.

Check the store out on Facebook, and pop in for some great deals (and cute new hats and clippies!).

This toy… seems harmless enough, yes? When the red button is pushed, it blows a gentle flow of air that “pops” bright colored plastic balls out of the trunk with barely any pressure at all. Ellie LOVES it.

Word to the wise: do NOT leave your mischievous toddler with this toy unattended. Because it’s *possible* that she could think that objects other than the included plastic balls will fit in that trunk. And it’s *possible* that other objects might include Cheerios. And it’s *possible* that too many Cheerios in the trunk will clog up the system so that air won’t blow out of it anymore.

Then, you might walk in to the living room and see that the toy isn’t working, and it’s *possible* that you’ll turn it upside down and dump one or two Cheerios out of it. You might think you’ve fixed the problem, and it’s *possible* that you’ll put your face over the trunk hole to look inside.

Now I’m not saying its a definite, but as you have your eye one centimeter from the trunk, it is *extremely possible* that your toddler will push that effing red button.

When If this happens, it’s *probable* that the rest of those Cheerios that kidlet shoved in there will shoot out of the toy like bullets and pelt you directly in the face. Cheerio crumbs might get in your eyes and under your contacts, making you throw drop the toy and dance around like a baboon while trying not to yell obscenities.

And then… it’s 100% INEVITABLE that your toddler will laugh hysterically. And maybe clap.

(This public service announcement has been brought to you by Superwife. You’ve been warned.)